Month: May 2018

FAST

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The third skill in Interpersonal Effectiveness Module is FAST – this is the skill you use if your objective in your interaction is to preserve your self-respect.

F – FAIR:     Be fair to yourself and to the other person; remember to validate your own feelings and wants as well as the other person’s.

A – APOLOGIES:    Don’t overapologize: don’t apologize for being alive or for making any requests, don’t apologize for having an opinion or for disagreeing; Don’t look ashamed with eyes or head down, slumped shoulders, and don’t invalidate what is actually valid.

S – STICK TO VALUES:    Stick to your own values, don’t sell out your values or integrity for reasons that aren’t VERY important; be clear on what you believe is the moral or valued way of thinking and acting, and then “stick to your guns.”

T – TRUTHFUL:    Don’t lie, exaggerate, or make up excuses; don’t act helpless when you aren’t.

 

 

I have to admit that these interpersonal skills are very difficult for me – every one of them.  I should probably clarify: it’s not that I can’t practice the FAST skills, it’s that I don’t do it well with grace.

Here is a recap of the Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills…

GIVE

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I’ve been gone for a few days, so had to take a break.  Hopefully, you’re all still with me! 🙂

The second skill (after DEAR MAN) in Interpersonal Effectiveness Module is GIVE – this is the skill you use if your objective in your interaction is to keep your relationship going.  You’re not trying to get a point across and you’re not concerned that you’ll feel overwhelmed with emotions such as anger, disappointment, resignation, etc. You are just showing the other person you care and want your relationship with them to be on good terms.

G – GENTLE

  • Be nice and respectful
  • No verbal or physical attacks or clenched fists; express anger with words
  • If you need to describe something painful, do so calmly without exaggerating
  • Don’t use manipulating statements or hidden threats, no passive aggressive statements
  • No moralizing, blaming, smirking, eye rolling, or walking away

I – INTERESTED

  • Listen and appear interested in the other person
  • Face the person, maintain eye contact, lean in
  • Don’t interrupt or talk over the person
  • Be patient if the other person would like to talk later

V – VALIDATE

  • With words and actions, show that you understand the other person’s feelings and thoughts about the situation
  • See the world from the other person’s point of view; “trade places”
  • Speak or act on your what you “see” from the other person’s point of view
  • Go to a private place when the person is uncomfortable talking in public

E – EASY MANNER

  • Use an easy manner, use humor
  • Smile, be light-hearted, sweet talk
  • Use a soft sell over a hard sell; ease the other person along
  • Leave your attitude at the door

The handouts on Interpersonal Effectiveness then expand the V – using increasing levels of validation…

  1. Pay Attention
    • Look interested by making eye contact.
    • Put down other tasks so you can focus on the other person.
  2. Reflect Back
    • State back what you heard the other person say to be sure you understand them.
    • Choose neutral words and use a neutral tone of voice instead of judgmental language or tone of voice.
  3. “Read Minds”
    • Tune in to the other person’s facial expressions and body language; consider what you already know of the other person.
    • Be sensitive to what isn’t being said and check it out by asking for clarification.
    • Use words or actions to show you understand, and if your perceptions aren’t right, be willing to drop it when they clarify that’s so.
  4. Understand
    • Show the other person you understand by considering how their feelings, thoughts, and actions make sense based on their past experiences, the present situation, and their current state of mind or physical condition.
  5. Acknowledge the Valid
    • Express how the other person’s feelings, thinking, or actions are valid responses (normal for everyone) because they fit current facts, or are understandable because they are a logical response to current facts.
  6. Show Equality
    • Be yourself; don’t one-up or one-down the other person but treat them as an equal, not fragile or incompetent.
  7. I’d like to add one of my own: Trade Places
    • Try to put yourself in their shoes in order to understand them, and then express empathy for hard circumstances from a place of genuine understanding.

Acceptance Instead of Judgment

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As I started to write this morning, I felt this strong nudge to share another song.  As I looked through the folder of options, I came across one I hadn’t finished and had completely forgotten I’d written it.  With the help of the Spirit I was able to add more to it; I don’t know if it’s finished yet or not, but it’s more complete. Check it out under Songs.

Here are two more items I thought were interesting…

I really like this because we (me included!) are so quick to look at another and think they should be doing something different, wonder how they ended up as they did, or look down on where they are in their journey.  We usually have little idea where they’ve been and what they’ve gone through back there.  We also don’t know how God plans to use them in the future.  If all of time was written on a tape measure, we’d only see one hash mark; we could be more encouraging to others by understanding their lives rather than judging them.