Now we’re ready to dive into the skills of the Interpersonal Effectiveness Module, the first of which is called DEAR MAN – this is the skill you use if your objective in your interaction is to get what you want from someone else. The examples that we used in our sessions at Timberline included situations like these:
- Your friend always expects you to pay when you meet for lunch.
- Your spouse frequently forgets to call when they’re going to be home late.
- Your roommate doesn’t clean up behind themselves when they use the bathroom or kitchen.
The long version of DEAR MAN is this…
D – DESCRIBE: Describe the current situation; stick to the facts while telling the other person exactly what you are reacting to.
E – EXPRESS: Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel.
A – ASSERT: Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Do not assume that others will figure out what you want. Remember that others can’t read your mind.
R – REINFORCE/REWARD: Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need. ⇒ Remember also to reward desired behavior after the fact.
M – MINDFULNESS: Keep your focus on your goals.
Maintain your position; don’t be distracted or 
get off topic. ⇒ Use “broken record” by repeating your questions or saying no, expressing your opinion over and over. ⇒ Ignore attacks by bringing the conversation back to the topic you started.
A – APPEAR CONFIDENT: Appear effective and competent; use a confident tone of voice and physical manner. Make good eye contact. Don’t stammer, whisper, stare at the floor, or retreat.
N – NEGOTIATE: Be willing to give to get; reduce your request. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. If saying no, offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way.
So next I’ll list out how each of the scenarios listed about
can be approached through the DEAR MAN skill.
1. Your friend always expects you to pay when you meet for lunch.
(D) “When we meet for lunch, I always have to pay; either you forget your wallet or explain how you don’t have the money.”
(E) “This makes me feel used and that our friendship isn’t reciprocal.”
(A) “I’d really like you to pay for your meals or to take turns paying the whole bill.”
(R) “If you’d agree to some rotation if would be easier for me to keep meeting for lunch. Our friendship would mean more because I wouldn’t feel used.”
(M) If the person tries to talk about the last place you met for lunch, say, “We can talk about that restaurant later; right now I’d like to discuss how we split up payment for lunch.”
(A) Keep eye contact and speak confidently.
(N) If the other person says something like, “I just don’t have the money right now, but I love meeting you and always enjoy our conversations,” then respond with something like, “Oh, I didn’t realize that! Maybe we could meet for other activities instead of lunch. Do you want to walk in the park? Or maybe we could volunteer somewhere?”
2. Your spouse frequently forgets to call when they’re going to be home late.
(D) “You haven’t called when you’re going to be home late.”
(E) “This makes me feel like you don’t consider my feelings. I don’t know if I should go ahead and feed the kids or not.”
(A) “I’d really like you to call if you’re going to be late.”
(R) “If you call when you’re going to be late, I’ll know that you’re considerate of me. I’ll know if I should feed the kids supper or not, and I’ll be in a better mood when you come home which is good for our relationship.
(M) If your spouse starts to talk about how much work they have to do, say, “I realize you have a lot to do, but we’re talking about calling home when you’re going to be late.” If your spouse attacks with, “you’re always so demanding!” then say, “Right now we’re talking about my request for you to call home when you’re going to be late.”
(A) Keep eye contact, speak confidently, and don’t retreat.
(N) “Do you have an idea of how you could let me know you’re going to be late?”
3. Your roommate doesn’t clean up behind themselves when they use the bathroom.
(D) “I’ve noticed you leave your things out in the bathroom when you get ready for the day.”
(E) “It’s difficult to use the bathroom with your things spread out; I feel frustrated every morning.”
(A) “I’m asking you to please clean up the bathroom when you’re done.
(R) “We’ll get along better, both be able to use the bathroom, and I’ll get less frustrated with you.”
(M) Pick a time when you’re not frustrated and neither of you is busy.
(A) Keep eye contact and speak confidently.
(N) “if it helps, I can ask you if I pick up your stuff, and wait til you come clean it up. Or I can put it away for you if it’s out. What do you think we should do to solve this?”
I confess that it’s pretty easy to write this out, to think through a situation, to practice what I’d say. And then it’s difficult to follow through and remember what I practiced! Even though it’s difficult, I have been able to use DEAR MAN successfully – once or twice. 🙂 Try it and see if it works for you!
