One of the first books I read after I started counseling was Learning to Tell Myself the Truth by William Backus. It’s about how our thoughts affect our emotions, decisions, and actions and has sections on Depression, Anxiety, Perfectionism, and Anger. It’s been a long time since I read it, but there are still ideas from the book that stick with me. One of the biggest is that the word “should” is to be avoided as much as possible.
The directions of “should”
- Toward self – Perfectionism
- Toward others – Anger
- Toward the past – Depression
- Toward the future – Anxiety
Right now, I want to concentrate on the first of these – “I should be able to do everything without mistakes.” There are different types of perfectionistic thinking and starting here can lead to a slippery slope…
→If I make a mistake in front of others I won’t survive the humiliation. (Catastrophic thinking)
→No matter how hard I work at this, it won’t be good enough. (Probability overestimation)
→Anything less than perfect is a failure. (Black and white thinking)
→If I make a mistake, I’m a failure. (Buying into a thought)
We talked through this a couple times at TK. A lot of us there struggled with this. There were two sections in the literature they gave us – 1. Learning to Recognize Perfectionism and 2. Tools to Overcome Perfectionism. The first section started with a list of questions to see if this is a problem for us.
- Do I have trouble meeting my own standards?
- Do I often feel frustrated, depressed, anxious, or angry while trying to meet my standards?
- Have I been told that my standards are too high?
- Do my standards get in the way, such as meeting deadlines, doing things spontaneously, or trusting others?
The kinds of thinking and example statements were listed next, followed by examples of behavior that may result from those thoughts – procrastination for fear the work won’t be good enough, constantly trying to improve things, agonizing over small details, avoiding trying new things. The last section was then the tools to overcome perfectionism.
- Realistic thinking – replacing negative with positive: Nobody’s perfect. Everyone has a bad day sometime. All I can do is my best.
- Perspective taking – asking how someone else might look at the situation.
- Looking at the big picture – asking if this will make a difference tomorrow or next year.
- Compromising – figuring out what level of imperfection is acceptable and increasing that gradually.
- Overcoming procrastination – create realistic schedules and set priorities.
It’s pretty easy to write about this. Much harder to actually change my thought patterns!
For me, the biggest difference is to look at life as being a work in progress, therefore it doesn’t need to be perfect. I’m a work in progress, so to expect perfection now would only set me up for unmet expectations. Unmet expectations lead to frustration, depression, and anger.
Progress instead of Perfection!
A near and dear topic. Whole-heartedly with you on every word. I’ve been sorting lumber this week for studs, plates, and joists. There is no such thing as a perfect board. I try to select the best ones, realize they’re not perfect, but once the wall is together, it is a choice to be pleased with the result. I think the metaphor fits somehow.
I think the ‘work in progress’ idea is deeply theological. There are heresies that peddle a concept of a Christian as finished work. Christ’s work of salvation is a finished work. But we are not and we are granted this wondrous, terrible opportunity to ‘live in the tension’ (credit: Art Mueller sermon, maybe year ago) between the perfection we desire and incrementally march towards, and the stark realization of the vast, impossible distance we must yet cover.
Couldn’t agree more that unmet expectations lead to frustration, anger, and depression. With ourselves, in relationships, in a community. Living out bad theology can be equally frustrating and depressing.