Every relationship is going to have broken spots because relationships are made up of humans with faults. Every marriage has one, or maybe a couple, topics that seem to cause the same discussion, tension, and possibly argument every time they come up in conversation. This diagnostic tool will help you figure out what your part in the fear dance is.

1. First, think of one of these situations in the relationship you are considering. Describe what happens up to the point where the conversation starts to derail.
2. What are your feelings at this point? What do your feelings say about you?  How do they identify the fear button you have? Here is a list to help you get started. Choose all that apply, but list them with the strongest feelings first.
3. How do you react when you have these feelings? Here’s a list of typical reactions to these feelings and the fear behind them. Again, choose all that apply, listing them in order of how often you use them.
4. Now you can fill in the chart with your part of The Fear Dance. If you spouse or friend uses this tool, together you could fill in the cycle completely.
5. Lastly, identify ways that you can recognize faster when the cycle starts. Identify new ways you can respond instead of reacting the same way you’ve been. It takes a lot of mindfulness and a lot of practice!