Category Archives: Relationships & Acceptance

Introduction to Interpersonal Effectiveness

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The fourth and last module in the DBT curriculum is Interpersonal Effectiveness. In it we learn ways to get along with others in conversation, in making requests, saying no to others, and myths about interactions and self-respect.  I want to start by saying this is very difficult for me, and I’m having a hard time continuing to keep this in mind and use the right skill in different situations.

It’s divided into sections, so the first page details how to decide what the goal is in interpersonal situations:

  1. Objectives Effectiveness – Getting what you want from another person
  2. Relationship Effectiveness – Keeping and improving the relationship
  3. Self-Respect Effectiveness – Keeping or improving self-respect

In order to determine which skill to use, we can ask a series of questions…

  1. What results or changes do I want from this interaction?
  2. What will work to get those results?
  3. How do I want the other person to feel about me after the interaction is over?
  4. What do I have to do to keep this relationship?
  5. How do I want to feel about myself after the interaction is over?
  6. What do I have to do to feel that way about myself?

More explanations to come!

 

 

Attentiveness (Morning Reading)

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Now that I’m done writing about the Emotion Regulation Module, I paged through my TK binders to determine which direction to go next, and I came across the morning readings we did in our Mindful Intent groups each day.  I chose out a few to share.  The first is titled Attentiveness.

Listening to a caring friend is one of the ways we hear God’s message.

We think we listen, probably because we are in conversation with other people so often. But our own ongoing inner dialogue often shuts out much of what someone is saying. Whether at Twelve Step meetings or at lunch with a friend, we’re preoccupied with the many people in our lives, or maybe our jobs, or an event we are organizing. Our minds get filled with the clutter of other times, other places, and we fail to hear the message at this single moment.

Peace will come to us when we slow down and quietly listen. When we remember that our friends are often the channel God relies on to reach us, we are eager to hear their words. Since seeking recovery, we have also become seekers of God’s will. We may hear our next direction in a friend’s suggestion today.

I will quietly listen to the loving words of my friends today.
From A Life of My Own

 

 

It’s kind of a running joke in our house that my side of the family doesn’t know how to listen without interrupting.  So I thought I’d share these with you – they’re more for me than you!!

DBT

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DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  This is a treatment program developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD, to treat clients with depression, anxiety, other mental health problems, or just being stuck in the acceptance/change dilemma.  When someone looks at life with only two options, it can be downright painful.  I know I got stuck in the A or B dilemma of either I have to try to change everything (me, others, circumstances) or I have to accept everything the way it is (and like it.)  The beauty of DBT is to find the AND, and learn how to balance acceptance and change.  DBT was one of the main programs taught at Timberline.

Here’s an excerpt from the website Behavioral Tech: A Linehan Institute Training Company found at  https://behavioraltech.org/resources/faqs/dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt/

“Problematic behaviors evolve as a way to cope with a situation or attempt to solve a problem. While these behaviors might provide temporary relief or a short-term solution, they often are not effective in the long-term. DBT assumes that clients are doing the best they can, AND they need to learn new behaviors in all relevant contexts. DBT helps enhance a client’s capabilities by teaching behavioral skills in areas like mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. These skills help people develop effective ways to navigate situations that arise in everyday life or manage specific challenges.”

And then, here’s an excerpt from the same website explaining the way the program is taught…

“There are four modules in skills training:

  • Mindfulness: the practice of being fully aware and present in this one moment
  • Distress Tolerance: how to tolerate pain in difficult situations, not change it
  • Interpersonal Effectiveness: how to ask for what you want and say no to what you don’t want while maintaining self-respect and relationships with others
  • Emotion Regulation: how to change emotions that you want to change”

Even the modules are balanced between the acceptance/change dilemma – The first two are about acceptance and the others about change.

The curriculum at Timberline was taught on a rotating schedule of four modules every four weeks, and since most people were there for 4-6 weeks, they were able to learn and practice each module.  I hope to be able to explain the basics of what we learned in the coming weeks.

Many times we said the Serenity Prayer together as this too was part of the recovery process, and specifically part of the 12 Step Recovery Program.  Here’s an interesting diagram of it!

Last week I wrote about progress and perfection. Progress is all about the acceptance/change balance, and here is an awesome example of it:  God accepts me “Just as I Am” and then desires to sanctify me to be more and more like him.