Many of you have probably heard of the Five Love Languages.  They were first explained in a book written by Gary Chapman back in 1995, and there are assessments online that you can take to see which is your strongest.  Most people have one dominant and a close runner up and can look like you have two equal in preference.

The document we were given at Timberline outlines them this way:

1. Words of Affirmation – One of your deepest needs is
   the need to feel appreciated. Verbal compliments,
   words of appreciation, encouragement, kind and
   humble words are all ways to show love to you.
2. Quality Time – You enjoy doing things TOGETHER! We
   aren’t talking about just sitting in front of the [fireplace]
   together [or talking while texting] but really giving
   each other undivided attention – looking at
   each other, talking to each other, sharing
   your life with your [spouse or friend].
3. Receiving Gifts – You are happy to receive things from
   your loved ones. They don’t have to be expensive.
   The gift is a symbol of “she or he cares about
   me” and “she or he thinks of me.”
4. Acts of Service – For you, actions speak louder than words!
   You prefer your [spouse or friend] to do things for you such
   as a cooking a meal, running errands, cleaning the
   room…You like your [spouse or friend] to initiate
   the acts of service and put effort into doing
   them to show that she or he cares.
5. Physical Touch – You love to receive a hug, a kiss, a squeeze
   on the shoulder, a pat on the back, a touch of the face,
   and an arm around the waist…Touches can be 10
   times as powerful and comforting as any words!

Unless we tune into what someone else’s love language is, we’ll most likely love them the way that means most to us.  Without intentionality, our human nature, will lead us to love others as we want to be loved.  It’s just how the mind works.

I’m split between Words of Affirmation and Quality Time – I used to think I was more quality time, but now I’m more about words. I think maybe it’s a combination:  I like when someone encourages me, expresses appreciation for my thoughts and ideas, etc. AND I like to have their undivided attention, sitting together, focused on this relationship now.

Obviously not everyone has that combination, so it’s up to me to figure out what their love languages are and then speak that to them.

As we started talking about what it would be like to re-integrate from residential treatment back to our home environment, we had sessions on relationships, trust, boundaries, communication skills, etc.  In one session, we talked through what healthy relationships should look like.  This wheel was a way to bring into focus the topics we were taught.

We were encouraged to add to it things that are important to us.  I added items like…

• Being okay with silence
• Accepting boundaries
• Showing interest in each other

What would you add to it?

After that we were given some questions to consider:

1. Do your relationships have these components? Which ones have most? Which ones have few?
2. Which components are strong in your relationships and which could be areas of growth?
3. Using the wheel as a guide, how do you think you can improve your relationship?

The plan is to share information from other sessions that gave us skills to build healthy relationships.

The last two posts explained about how accepting that other people have different perspectives can help defuse conflict and lessen the angst we feel.  The idea of being able to say, “in my opinion that person should act/say/think this certain way, AND they don’t have to.”  We are recognizing our thoughts and expectations as valid, and we are giving others space to live by their own thoughts and expectations.

Now we move to trading places by taking it a step further.  Once we can accept that others think differently than we do, we can try to understand it by trying to look at life through their eyes.  We can put ourselves in their shoes.  So many times, we don’t have the full story.  For everyone there are factors from the past that have brought them to where they are now.  There’s no way we could ever have the whole story because even if we live with them the entire time and experience everything with them, we don’t have their personality, their gifts, their disposition.  We may be tempted to say, well, if I can’t possibly have the whole story, what would be the point of trying to trade places?  We will be able to have empathy and accept the other person easier if we try to trade places with them to see life from their point of view.

I’ll admit it’s not an
easy thing to do,
especially when intense
emotion is involved.
I have been able to
use the skill though
with some successes.

On a different note… this morning while coming home from dropping off the kids at camp, I heard an article about the REAL reason people commit suicide.  The radio host was paraphrasing from an article written by an expert who’d done decades of research and counseled a lot of people.  When the speaker said “we think that depression causes suicide, but here he says that while it can contribute to it, it’s not a cause.”  This intrigued me so I kept listening.

The expert says that the one thing all people who’ve thought about or attempted suicide have in common is despair.  This word when taken apart is des-pair – the un pairing from ourselves.  He explained a lot of ways this is manifest.

• Hopeless – being unpaired from thinking it can get better.
• Helpless – being unpaired from having resources to make it better.
• Powerless – a deeper form of helpless.
• Useless – being unpaired from knowing there is something I can contribute.
• Worthless – being unpaired from knowing we have value.

I’m sure there were more.  These are the type of words someone in despair would go over and over in their mind, describing themselves and their situation.  The speaker said it’s our job then as Christians to help those in despair to become paired with themselves through reconciliation with God and His plan for them based on how he made them.  He is the answer to hopelessness, helplessness, worthlessness.  He is the answer to all the questions.

As I ponder this and consider how I can help a specific friend, it strikes a cord with me.  I’m praying for wisdom to be able to reach out and share this is a way that resonates.