The third skill in Interpersonal Effectiveness Module is FAST – this is the skill you use if your objective in your interaction is to preserve your self-respect.

F – FAIR:     Be fair to yourself and to the other person; remember to validate your own feelings and wants as well as the other person’s.

A – APOLOGIES:    Don’t overapologize: don’t apologize for being alive or for making any requests, don’t apologize for having an opinion or for disagreeing; Don’t look ashamed with eyes or head down, slumped shoulders, and don’t invalidate what is actually valid.

S – STICK TO VALUES:    Stick to your own values, don’t sell out your values or integrity for reasons that aren’t VERY important; be clear on what you believe is the moral or valued way of thinking and acting, and then “stick to your guns.”

T – TRUTHFUL:    Don’t lie, exaggerate, or make up excuses; don’t act helpless when you aren’t.

I have to admit that these interpersonal skills are very difficult for me – every one of them.  I should probably clarify: it’s not that I can’t practice the FAST skills, it’s that I don’t do it well with grace.

Here is a recap of the Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills…

There are a lot of factors to consider when deciding to ask for a favor, something you need, something you want, etc.  There are also a lot of factors in considering whether to tell someone no or not.  If the decision for either is yes, to go ahead, then there is a level of intensity to consider.  I’ll be detailing out those factors and the list of asking/saying no intensities.

Factors to Consider…

1. Capability
   1. Is the person able to give you what you want? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
   2. Do you have what the other person wants? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
2. Priorities
   1. Are your GOALS very important? Increase the intensity of ASKING.
   2. Is your relationship shaky? Consider reducing the intensity of either.
   3. Is your SELF-RESPECT on the line? The intensity should match your values.
3. Self-Respect
   1. Do you usually do things for yourself? Are you careful to avoid acting helpless when you’re not? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
   2. Will saying no make you feel bad about yourself, even when you’re thinking about it wisely?
      If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
4. Rights
   1. Is the person required by law or moral code to give you what you want?
      If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
   2. Are you required to give the person what he or she is asking for or would saying no violate the other person’s rights? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
5. Authority
   1. Are you responsible for directing the person or telling the person what to do?
      If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
   2. Does the person have authority over you, such as a boss or teacher, and is what the person asking within his or her authority? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
6. Relationship
   1. Is what you want appropriate to the current relationship? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
   2. Is what the person is asking for appropriate to your current relationship?
      If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
7. Long Term/Short Term Goals
   1. Will not asking for what you want keep the peace now but create problems in the long run?
      If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
   2. Is giving in to keep the peace right now more important than the long-term welfare of the relationship? Will you eventually regret or resent saying no? NO, raise the intensity of NO.
8. Give and Take
   1. What have you done for the person; are you willing to give at least as much as you ask for?
      Are you willing to give if the person says yes? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
   2. Do you owe this person a favor; does they do a lot for you? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
9. Homework
   1. Have you done your homework? Do you know all the facts you need to know to support your request? Are you clear about what you want?  If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
   2. Is the other person’s request clear; do you know what you are agreeing to?
      If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
10. Timing
    1. Is this a good time to ask? Is the person in the mood for listening and paying attention to you; are you catching them when they are likely to say yes to your request? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
    2. Is this a bad time to say no; should you hold off for a while? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.

Check out the chart under lists titled “How Intensely to Ask or Say No.”  It’s a scale of 1-10 for each to make it easier make the decision.  I hope this was helpful!  As always, if there’s something that really resonates with you or something you want to comment on, please do so!

(Lists of Facts to Consider taken directly from DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition by Marsha M Linehan. Copyright 2015)