Category Archives: Life Skills & Recovery

Radical Acceptance

Posted on by

We’re coming close to the last DBT concepts/skills and have covered many things like living in the present, regulating mood, tolerating distress, and working within relationships with other people.  Once we have attempted all of these things, if there is a situation or person that we believe will never change, there is one last step – Radical Acceptance.

Radical Acceptance is accepting
the situation or the person as they are:

⇒ All the way, completely, totally
⇒ With your mind, heart, and body
⇒ Without fighting reality, throwing tantrums,
and hanging onto bitterness.

 

There are just things that are reality, and no matter how much we want them to change they won’t be different.   Here is the list quoted from Marsha Linehan’s DBT Skills Training for Why we should accept reality…

  1. Rejecting reality does not change reality.
  2. Changing reality requires first accepting reality.
  3. Pain can’t be avoided; it is nature’s way of
    signaling that something is wrong.
  4. Rejecting reality turns pain into suffering.
  5. Refusing to accept reality can keep you stuck
    in unhappiness, bitterness, anger, sadness,
    shame, or other painful emotions.
  6. Acceptance may lead to sadness, but deep
    calmness usually follows.
  7. The path out of hell is through misery. By refusing to accept the misery that is part of climbing out of
    hell, you fall back into hell.

The longer we strive against something that’s not going to change the more miserable we feel.  I’ll admit that sometimes it’s easier to stay there because it’s familiar. And sometimes accepting feels like giving in, giving up, or losing; and it can be.  The question then becomes, do we want to remain miserable?

I want to highlight two thoughts from the list above and then move into How to use Radical Acceptance.  The first thought is from #2 – changing reality requires first accepting reality.  When we can accept that reality is what it is, our emotions calm, our focus changes, and our thoughts are easier to control.  If there is a sliver of chance that something could change, it’s not going to happen until we accept what is first in order to calm ourselves.  The second thought is from #7 – the path out of hell is through misery.  I believe this is supported by the Bible in a way.  We can only come to a risen Savior for redemption through Godly sorrow, a contrite heart, and a desire to change.  If we try to come to God without those we will indeed fall back into hell.  I’m not saying there has to be weeping and wailing, but a deep heart felt sorrow for the sin we’ve committed against God and his word.

In Linehan’s work, she does not have an acronym for Radical Acceptance, but in working to use it myself I came up with one that helped me remember how to do it – It takes a lot of EFFORT!

E – Expectations: many times, we find ourselves stuck in what “should” be.

F – Facts: the fact of reality remains, and it’s not going to be how we think it “should” be.

F – Factors: there are always factors that have led to this reality, and we can review those to understand that it’s not just an arbitrary circumstance.

O – Overall: the acceptance has to be overall, complete, for it to stick.

R – Release: we release any expectations and any control we think we have or should have to God.

T – Turn the Mind: whenever we notice our minds starting to slip back into fighting with reality, we’ll have to choose at that fork in the road to turn the mind toward acceptance. And repeat. And repeat. (Turn the Mind is a separate skill, but I felt like it’s really a part of this process.)

One last note on Radical Acceptance…It is not approval, compassion, love, passivity, or against change; it is simply accepting what IS.  Sometimes there are things that interfere with our ability to use it…Not knowing how, believing it means our acceptance implies approval of the hard reality, or overwhelming emotions that we’re struggling to regulate.

Sorry this got a little long!
Even though this is the last DBT topic,
I have other things to write about.
Stay tuned!

 

 

Challenging the Myths in Interpersonal Relationships

Posted on by

We know that the truth sets us free. It seems logical then that if we believe a lie or a myth we would no longer be free. As part of our study on relationships we looked at myths that negatively affect them.  I won’t make this a trick test by asking if these statements are true or false – they’re all false!  They’re all myths.

 

The first part leans more toward belief that we don’t matter and the second leans more toward thinking we matter more than we should.  We were challenged to write a statement for each of these in a way that would make it true.  An example for #1 would be:  I am of value as a person, so I deserve to get what I need or want.

  1. I don’t deserve to get what I want or need.
  2. If I make a request, this will show that I’m a very weak person.
  3. I have to know whether a person is going to say yes before I make a request.
  4. If I ask for something or say no, I can’t stand It if someone gets upset with me.
  5. If they say no, it will kill me.
  6. Making requests is a really pushy (bad, self-centered, selfish, etc.) thing to do.
  7. Saying no to a request is always a selfish thing to do.
  8. I should be willing to sacrifice my own needs for others.
  9. I must be really inadequate if I can’t fix this myself.
  10. Obviously, the problem is just in my head. If I would just think differently, I wouldn’t have to bother everybody else.
  11. If I don’t have what I want or need, it doesn’t make any difference; I don’t care, really.
  12. Skillfulness is a sign of weakness.
  13. I shouldn’t have to ask (say no); they should know what I want (and do it).
  14. They should’ve known that their behavior would hurt my feelings; I shouldn’t have to tell them.
  15. I shouldn’t have to negotiate or work at getting what I want.
  16. Other people should be willing to do more for my needs.
  17. Other people should like, approve of, and support me.
  18. They don’t deserve my being skillful or treating them well.
  19. Getting what I want when I want it is most important.
  20. I shouldn’t be fair, kind, courteous, or respectful if others are not so toward me.
  21. Revenge will feel so good; it will be worth any negative consequences.
  22. Only wimps have values.
  23. Everybody lies.
  24. Getting what I want or need is more important than how I get it; the ends justify the means.

 

Just like with the Personal Bill or Rights, I’m interested in how these strike you.  Do you agree that they’re false? Are there some that are easier to rewrite than others?

 

Power of Self-Compassion

Posted on by

Wow, it seems like a long time since I posted last!  Duane and I were able to visit Allison in Santiago, Chile – it was so good to see her!  We were able to walk around her host family’s neighborhood, tour her college campus, meet her coworkers and friends at the campus ministry (El Oasis), and visit the coast cities of Valparaiso and Viña del Mar. Duane and Allison were also able to do some longer hikes in more remote areas as he stayed a few days longer than I did.

 

 

 

It’s taken longer for me to get back into the
groove here at home, but I’m back at it now.
The next topic in the Interpersonal Effectiveness
module is self-compassion. Here’s the post I
had prepared about self-compassion…

When I was in PHP (the step-down program) at Timberline, we had a couple sessions on self-compassion.  So many people with anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder, OCD, eating disorders, and addictions are hard on themselves, which can make whatever they’re dealing with more difficult.

Here are excerpts from a paper we studied – The Power of Self-Compassion by Bonnie Cleaver
“Your family and closest friends aside, there are few relationships that last a lifetime. But imagine you were committed to one such relationship for the long haul, where, instead of being loved and appreciated, you were berated for every little slip-up and imperfections, from the gym class you skipped to the work presentation you weren’t prepared for to what you ate for dinner.  Still, you never spoke up, meekly accepting every criticism as valid, vowing to try better next time. Highly dysfunctional, right?

Here’s the thing: many of us are in that relationship right now – and it’s with ourselves…”
“If the thought of easing up makes you feel a little, well, nervous, you’re not alone. After all, we live in a world hungry for high achievement. And for many of us, the internal ‘tough talk’ seems to be a vital ally for keeping us in line. ”When people first hear about self-compassion, they are usually suspicious. They say, ‘Hey, isn’t that self-pity or self-indulgence?’” says Kristin Neff [associate professor in human development and culture at the University of Texas]. “They think that being a kind, supportive friend to yourself is somehow not going to work, even though we know it works if you’re a parent or a coach.”

Here there is a lot of information on studies done on how self-compassion affects people.
“…while self-help experts have been fixated on self-esteem for years, self-compassion is now emerging as a superior strategy for feeling good about yourself. Why? Because strong self-esteem hinges on being successful in areas that matter to you, from career success to being married. “If how good you feel is contingent on those things, then you automatically set yourself up for feeling bad,” says Tal Schlosser [director of myLife Psychologists]. “Self-compassion provides a much more stable sense of worth that isn’t based on achievement – you have worth because you’re human.”

As well as fostering self-love, self-compassion can lead to a more loved-up relationship… “We found that people were much happier and more satisfied in their relationship if their partners were self-compassionate. Self-compassionate partners were more caring, had greater ability for intimacy, and were less controlling and less verbally aggressive.” The reason? Folks who give themselves emotional support and validation don’t rely on their partners to meet all of their needs and in turn, are more emotionally generous. They’re also better able to own up to their mistakes, rather than needing to be right all the time.”

Next in the article were two lists…
Elements of Self-Compassion

  1. Self-Kindness – Kindness, care, and encouragement towards yourself when you slip up, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than being self-critical or judgmental
  2. Common Humanity – Context when we feel inadequate that everyone feels the same sometimes
  3. Mindfulness – Mindful response, where we can observe our flaws in a calm, balanced and more non-judgmental way

Cultivate Kindness in Four Easy Steps

  1. Commit to Self-Compassion – Decide that self-criticism is not serving you as the first important step; the second step is to give yourself permission to change by admitting you’re tired of suffering caused by self-criticism
  2. Tame Negative Self-Talk – Notice how you speak to yourself, how often judgments crop up, and the tone of voice you use in addressing yourself; imagine you are speaking to a friend and talk to yourself that way
  3. Call on an Guru or Mentor – Visualize an interaction between someone like Mother Theresa and yourself, imagining what sort of things they’d say to you; ask yourself if you’re feeling worse than necessary
  4. Spread the Self-Love – If a friend or colleague is berating or belittling themselves, interject with a few kind words, urging them to put things in perspective, while resisting the temptation to share your own self-disparaging war story.