Any time there are two people in relationship, there’s a need for communication between them.  And any time there’s communication between two people there’s a potential for that communication to break down.  For communication to be effective, both people have to do their part.  The speaker needs to say what they mean and mean what they say.  The speaker must speak a short time to let the listener grasp what he or she is saying and give the listener a chance to respond.  The listener should listen mindfully – concentrating on what the speaker is saying and not concentrating on how they will respond.

Both in counseling at ACCFS and at Timberline, we talked about twelve blocks to listening.

1. Comparing – concentrating on questions in your mind instead of what the other person is saying.
   1. Who is smarter or more competent?
   2. Who has suffered more or is the bigger victim?
   3. Who has a more dramatic story to tell?
2. Rehearsing – putting all your
   attention on what you’ll say next.
   1. Have to look interested,
      but your mind is racing.
   2. Are concerned with getting
      your own point or story out
   3. Rehearse a chain of responses such as
      I’ll say this, then he’ll say that, and I’ll answer, etc.
3. Identifying – having to share your own experience or one-up the person with each thought or story they share, and not allowing yourself to hear them.
4. Advising – concentrating on how to solve the “problem” presented in conversation.
   1. Searching for the right advice can mask something important.
   2. Missing the other person’s feelings and not being able to acknowledge the hurt or frustration.
   3. The other person feels unheard.
5. Filtering – listening selectively for the
   mood of the conversation or by only
   hearing the positive or negative.
   1. Paying attention only enough to
      see if they are angry, unhappy,
      or if you are in emotional.danger.
   2. Example used: A mother listens to
      her son long enough to see if he was
      fighting at school, and if not, her mind
      wanders during the rest of his speaking.
   3. Example used: A husband, once ascertaining his wife is in a
      positive mood, lets his thoughts wander instead of listening.
6. Mind Reading – trying to figure out what the other person is really thinking and feeling.
   1. Often distrusting the words of the other person.
   2. Making assumptions about how the other person will react.
   3. Relying on intuition, hunches, and vague misgivings.
7. Sparring – Being so quick to disagree that the other person never feels heard.
   1. Focusing on what you can’t agree with and taking a strong stand for your own preferences.
   2. Put-downs – example: one person comments on a frustration with an activity, and the other says “why aren’t you smart enough to just not do that activity?”
   3. Shifting – turning the conversation to HOW it was stated instead of concentrating on WHAT was stated.
8. Judging – Putting a negative label on the other person before they begin speaking.
   1. Thinking it’s not necessary to listen to someone if they’re “stupid” or unqualified.
   2. Judging a statement as crazy or an idea as unworkable before hearing it out.
   3. Having a knee-jerk reaction.
9. Being Right – Going to any length to avoid being wrong.
   1. Twisting the facts, shouting, making excuses or accusations, bring up the past
   2. Not listening to or accepting any criticism, correction, or suggestions for change.
   3. Continuing to make the same mistakes.
10. Derailing – Either suddenly changing the subject or joking in order to avoid listening to the other person.
11. Dreaming – something the other person says triggers a private chain of thoughts
    1. Part of the conversation is missed due to the mind wandering.
    2. Everyone dreams at times, but if it happens over and over with the same person, it can indicate a lack of commitment to and appreciation for that person.
    3. Discounting – deflecting compliments by putting yourself down.
12. Placating – Responding without fully engaging, such as “right…right…absolutely…I know…really?”

Which of these hit home for you?  I’ve been guilty of them all, and yet, there are a few that seem to pop up over and over.

Check out a new song I posted called “His Voice”.

And tune in next time for tips for the Speaker.

In the same documents given to us at Timberline that explained the love languages, there was a list of how to use your love language in your own self-care.  We talked about how to take care of ourselves in a way that spoke meaning into our lives, gave us reason for hope that life would get better, and turned around the negative thought process toward ourselves that precipitated the self-harm, addictions, anxiety, and depression.

Here is a list of suggestions:

1. Acts of Service
   1. Maintain a clean home
   2. Run an errand
   3. Bake something
   4. Try a cooking or cleaning service
2. Quality Time
   1. Meditate
   2. Journal
   3. Spend time in nature
   4. Plan a retreat
3. Words of Affirmation
   1. Keep a compliment scrapbook
   2. Write affirmations on post-its and put them around the house
   3. Write yourself a love letter
   4. Speak the truth of scripture to yourself
4. Physical Touch
   1. Give yourself a foot massage
   2. Volunteer as a client for a massage student
   3. Take a bubble bath
   4. Wrap up in a soft blanket
5. Receiving Gifts
   1. Budget for small rewards just for fun
   2. Buy yourself flowers
   3. Sign up for a monthly gift box subscription
   4. Give yourself a bucket list experience

There are many versions of the Five Love Languages book – for teens, for singles, for men, for couples, etc.  One version shows us how God loves us with the love language he created as part of our make-up.  These are some verses that show how God loves us in different ways; these are mostly about Jesus when he was here, but I’m sure you can think of verses that describe how God loves in each of these ways.

1. Words of Affirmation
   1. I Peter 1:25 – But the word of the Lord endureth forever. And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you.
   2. John 10:27 – My sheep hear my voice, and I  know them, and they follow me.
2. Quality Time
   1. Luke 10:23 – And he turned him unto his
      disciples and said privately, Blessed are
      the eyes which see the things that ye see.
   2. Luke 10:39 – And she had a sister called
      Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet, and
      heard his word.
3. Receiving Gifts
   1. James 1:17 – Every good gift and every
      perfect gift is from above, and cometh 
      down from the Father of lights, with
      whom is no variableness, neither
      shadow of turning.
   2. Matthew 7:11 – If ye then, being evil,
      know how to give good gifts unto your
      children, how much more shall your
      which is in heaven give good things
      to them that ask him?
4. Acts of Service
   1. John 13:5 – After that he poureth water
      into a bason, and began to wash the
      disciples’ feet and to wipe them with
      the towel wherewith he was girded.
   2. John 21:9-12 – As soon as they were come
      to land, they saw a fire of coals there, and
      fish laid thereon, and bread…Jesus saith unto them, Come and dine. Jesus then cometh, and taketh bread, and giveth them, and fish likewise.
5. Physical Touch
   1. Mark 10:13-16 – And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me…And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.
   2. Matthew 17:5-7 – While he yet spake, behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them: and behold a voice out of the cloud…And when the disciples heard it, they fell on their face, and were afraid. And Jesus came and touched them, and said, Arise, and be not afraid.

Many of you have probably heard of the Five Love Languages.  They were first explained in a book written by Gary Chapman back in 1995, and there are assessments online that you can take to see which is your strongest.  Most people have one dominant and a close runner up and can look like you have two equal in preference.

The document we were given at Timberline outlines them this way:

1. Words of Affirmation – One of your deepest needs is
   the need to feel appreciated. Verbal compliments,
   words of appreciation, encouragement, kind and
   humble words are all ways to show love to you.
2. Quality Time – You enjoy doing things TOGETHER! We
   aren’t talking about just sitting in front of the [fireplace]
   together [or talking while texting] but really giving
   each other undivided attention – looking at
   each other, talking to each other, sharing
   your life with your [spouse or friend].
3. Receiving Gifts – You are happy to receive things from
   your loved ones. They don’t have to be expensive.
   The gift is a symbol of “she or he cares about
   me” and “she or he thinks of me.”
4. Acts of Service – For you, actions speak louder than words!
   You prefer your [spouse or friend] to do things for you such
   as a cooking a meal, running errands, cleaning the
   room…You like your [spouse or friend] to initiate
   the acts of service and put effort into doing
   them to show that she or he cares.
5. Physical Touch – You love to receive a hug, a kiss, a squeeze
   on the shoulder, a pat on the back, a touch of the face,
   and an arm around the waist…Touches can be 10
   times as powerful and comforting as any words!

Unless we tune into what someone else’s love language is, we’ll most likely love them the way that means most to us.  Without intentionality, our human nature, will lead us to love others as we want to be loved.  It’s just how the mind works.

I’m split between Words of Affirmation and Quality Time – I used to think I was more quality time, but now I’m more about words. I think maybe it’s a combination:  I like when someone encourages me, expresses appreciation for my thoughts and ideas, etc. AND I like to have their undivided attention, sitting together, focused on this relationship now.

Obviously not everyone has that combination, so it’s up to me to figure out what their love languages are and then speak that to them.