Author Archives: brocke

Community

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Recently, at a Bible Study, we were talking about knowing someone – a friend, neighbor, coworker, etc. – for a long time and still only sharing a surface level conversation when we run into them. In a place like Timberline, residents are admitted and discharged every day. Because we were all there to get help for the struggles in our lives, we knew we could be open with each other. We’d get to know each other pretty quickly. Of course, we were living together and spending a lot of daylight hours together, so some of that getting to know you is inevitable!

The idea that time is short, creates an array of options. Some women chose to keep to themselves. Some women made it a point to get to know others as soon as they could. Some were polite to everyone and close with their roommates. I’m sure a lot of choices made were based on how the residents were treated in their relationships before they came to TK. Since I came home, I’ve been thinking about how the community of the lodge could resemble the church body; or even relationships we have outside the church.

When we think we have a lot of time, we may wait to share with another, we may wait to ask another about their trials, and we may walk by without interacting at all. We may even treat God this way. God made us to be in relationship with him and with others. Someday I’ll write about independence, interdependence, and codependence.

Every day at TK we had a community meeting for all residents in our lodge. We had two big white boards and a set agenda. These were some of the things on them…

Here at home, we try to have a family meeting every Sun evening to go over the week’s activities. It would be interesting, I think, if we added a few items from our lodge community meetings to our family meetings. One was a goal for the day, and this was usually things like keeping the lodge clean, being quieter, celebrating a birthday or focusing on our self-care. It makes me curious to see what the kids would come up with for a weekly goal. Another item was three positives – every single day. Again, it makes me curious to see what the kids would list. Once I moved to the PHP step down program, our community meeting was once a week. Many times, the positives included things like not having locks on the bathroom doors!

Another aspect of the community life was the respect for each other’s situation and feelings. In most groups, we were encouraged to share and respond to others’ stories, and in almost every group, we were expected to ask permission, such as “are you open to feedback?” before responding. Everyone had the option to say no they didn’t want feedback. That, too, would be interesting, to see the kids ask before responding to their siblings! In giving feedback, we were expected to use “I statements.”  I’d say, this is my experience, or this is what worked for me. Once in a while, someone would say, you should, but not very often.

This is good advice for all of us.

Shoulding on others should be banned!

My New Song

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Psalm 40 has always been special to me because it speaks of God being patient, hearing me, and helping me. It took on new meaning when I started an intensive treatment two years ago. The treatment is called intensive for a reason! I truly felt through this that God had brought me out of a pit. Sometimes that pit felt so dark and oppressive I thought I’d never see light, but God was gracious to show me the way out. At this point God also set my feet on a foundation of his Son. I came to know Jesus as I’d never known him before. My distorted view of God changed to be more in line with the truth of His Word. I was able to praise Him for all the blessings He’s given me.

As I was working through these hard topics, God also renewed my gift to write; I had written some poetry as a child but not much since then.  The words started flowing. At times, I’d have words come to mind, sit down to write, and within minutes have the whole song written. Other times, an idea would come through a phrase I heard or read or through a sermon, and I work with it until the song was written, sometimes for a couple hours, sometimes for a couple of days. I didn’t hear a melody with the words, so for now it’s more like poetry. I hope someday to have them set to music. I believe that, at some point, God will help me figure out who the right person is for that job!

When considering this blog idea, I was drawn instantly to Psalm 40. It was such an expression of where I’d been and where I’ve come to thus far. It also gives expression to the songs I’ve written which come through the Spirit in me.

I spent some time reflecting on the Psalm and writing it out. As I did the hymn “O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing” came to mind. I looked up those lyrics and wrote them out. They mirrored my thoughts so closely! I decided to add that to the main page so the psalm and hymn are seen together.

Music has been important to me for a long time. During intensive treatment, I listened to so many songs that spoke of God’s love and acceptance, His desire for relationship with us, His care of us. It was so healing. In between appointments I would go back and listen again, just letting the words and the music roll over me. There have been studies that connect music to the process of healing and recovery. You may have heard or seen stroke survivors who aren’t able to carry on a conversation join in when someone starts singing hymns. There’s just something about it that connects to the soul.

One funny story comes to mind…I heard it growing up, and may not have remembered it right, so mom and dad, you can correct me if I’m wrong. The story goes that there was a little boy who stuttered so badly he could hardly talk. One day while playing or working outside, he ran up to the house in a panic. Those in the house came out to see what the problem was, but they couldn’t understand him in his panicked state. One of them said, “Sing, sing!” And he did!  “The barn is on fire!” It was clear, they could understand, and everyone raced away to help.

Back to the idea of the healing aspect of music…At Timberline there is a piano in the dining hall. I craved playing it, but had no opportunity to go there other than meal time. One day after finishing my meal, I got up the nerve to approach the piano. I didn’t have any music with me, so I played the only song I still have memorized from childhood – The Black Hawk Waltz written by Mary E Walsh in the 1880s. (If you’d like to hear it, there’s half a dozen options on YouTube.)  A couple of the residents started waltzing in between the tables, and when I finished everyone clapped! After I was given my white hat, I asked if I could go up there during my 20 min away from the lodge. The answer was yes, but the walk up and back had to be figured in the 20 min, so I started going 20 min before mealtime and playing until the food lines were almost empty. I could play for close to a half hour that way! My family brought me music when they visited that weekend. I had a couple advanced lesson books from childhood, a Mozart book, and a book of hymns arranged by Lorie Line. The residents complimented me and said how much they enjoyed it. The dining hall staff did too.  One day while playing before my lodge arrived for lunch, a resident from another lodge came over to our side of the dining hall.  I asked if she wanted me to quit. She said, “Oh no! I just wanted to tell you that since you started playing, we’ve had fewer incidents of panic attacks and flashbacks while we’re eating.” It felt great to see that I could use my God-given talents to make a difference.

(New song posted – God, My Rock)

Emotions ARE

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I had a few other introductory ideas, but I decided to put out a meat and potatoes topic to give you an idea of the things I’ve learned along the way. In my opinion, one of the vertebras in the backbone of counseling/therapy is to understand that emotions ARE. Emotions are not good or bad. They are not right or wrong. Emotions don’t predict anything or decide anything about you, such as how much God loves you. Emotions just ARE. When emotions are viewed as information our mind and body give us about how we feel in a specific situation, we can then choose how we’d like to respond.  When emotions are viewed as good or bad, right or wrong, then shame and struggle come into play.

In the Bible, God is shown to have emotions (Gen 6:5-6, I Kings 11:9, Zeph 3:17), and Jesus displayed emotions while here on earth (Luke 10:21, 19:41, Matt 26:38, John 11:35). We are made in His image, so it stands to reason then, that having emotions is normal. It’s normal to be sad when there is loss. It’s normal to be disappointed when expectations aren’t met. It’s normal to be excited when a baby is born. Emotions inform us how we feel in different situations because they are based on thoughts and body sensations we’ve learned.

We all have mirror neurons designed to help us learn from others. Children mirror facial expressions and actions of their care givers. If a child is crying and they hear “You must be so sad!” they will associate the thoughts and sensations they’re experiencing with the word sad.  Same for happy, angry, disappointed, etc. This happens over and over as children begin to understand how different emotions feel and can start to label those for themselves.

Emotions are 70-80% physical sensations and 20-30% thoughts. One of the exercises we did was to reverse the process in naming an emotion. We had a chart to fill out – first the situation that took place, then the thoughts in response, and the body sensations that went along with it. These sensations and thoughts produce urges to react. In stepping back to examine the pieces and parts, it’s easier to name how we feel.  Sometimes people would say “I feel bad.” But emotions aren’t bad. Bad is not a feeling. It’s useful to then list out the thoughts, sensations, and urges to name the true emotion. This might look like…

  • I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow
  • My whole body is tense and my heart is racing
  • I want to stay home
    →My emotion is anxiety
  • I’m worried what someone else will think
  • My stomach is churning and I feel small
  • I want to hide from them
    →My emotion is guilt

These are just two examples, but you get the idea. Some might mistake state of being as their emotion, using words like bad, good, elevated, depressed, spun up, calm, intense, and mellow – these words do describe the intensity of an emotion. If in group we did say “I feel bad,” some instructors would say “bad is not a feeling” and ask us to come up with a different word that described how we felt.  If I say I feel calm, I’m describing my state of being, not my emotion. It’s more accurate to say I am calm instead of I feel calm. I’ve noticed that I’ll say, “I’m good” when asked how I’m doing, and I realized I use this as a shield so I don’t have to use feeling words. It’s not accurate for a couple reasons – 1. Good is not a feeling and 2. I’m not good of myself! If I use that expression, God should get the glory because he’s the only one that can make us good.

For a great visual tool that gives names to the range of emotions, check out this PDF –
https://med.emory.edu/excel/documents/Feeling%20Wheel.pdf

I started here by saying that emotions aren’t good or bad. It’s our reaction due to the emotion we have that can be good or bad. One instructor talked about the ways our reactions trip us up:

  • If our emotion is not normal for the situation
  • If our emotion is too intense for the situation
  • If our emotion lasts too long for the situation

Science says that emotions last 60-90 seconds. If we continue to have the thoughts and sensations that go along with that emotion, it’s because we continue to think about the situation that came immediately before the emotion showed up. If something good happened and we continue to think about it, we’ll sustain the emotion of happiness or joy. If we’re angry about something that happened and we continue to go over it in our mind, we’ll keep having the same thoughts and sensations, and stay angry.

In an ideal world, not this broken one we live in, we’d be able to acknowledge our emotions and choose to respond in ways that aren’t sinful and don’t cause unpleasant consequences. Sounds like heaven to me! For now, it’s our job to take stock of our emotions and make choices by God’s grace to respond in healthy ways and not react in ways that damage relationships. It sure isn’t easy in our humanness, though!

So many of these topics are intertwined, it’s difficult to know where to stop writing!
More to come on:

  • Slowing down the process to help us make better choices
  • Separating identity from emotion to diffuse the emotion’s power
  • How thoughts and emotions affect each other
  • Our circle of influence