Choice (Morning Reading)

Posted on April 26, 2018 by brocke

As I start to outline the Interpersonal Effectiveness Module, it seems appropriate to include this morning reading of Choice. Everything we do involves making choices, and those choices affect those around us, especially when we’re interacting. When the passage references being under the influence, consider the broadest meaning of that phrase – it’s not just alcohol and drugs, but we could be under the influence of food, pornography, emotions, our relationship with someone else, our need to please others, our need to “look good” to others, pride, false humility, caffeine, etc.

Don’t just want. Choose.
~Patricia Benson

For many of us the fog is only beginning to clear. It takes a while to understand that all along life has been about making choices. Because we were under the influence, we inadvertently rolled into many situations with unclear intentions. Not being conscious of our choices, however, doesn’t absolve us of the responsibility for making them. Now we have the opportunity, with the help of the program, to take charge of our choices. We can, with thought, make responsible choices.

We are assured the gift of empowerment when we actively take charge of our choices. We used to want things to work out without doing our part or asking for what we needed. Or we never consciously made choices. What has become so very clear is that not choosing is in fact choosing! And, no doubt, we are still saddled with the results of some of the “choices” we never intended to make. No longer does this need to be our life pattern. Today is new day, and this program is giving us every tool we need to embark on the new course.

I will grow in confidence the more I consciously choose among my many options today.
~From A Woman’s Spirit

Asking for Something or Saying No to a Request

Posted on April 23, 2018 by brocke

There are a lot of factors to consider when deciding to ask for a favor, something you need, something you want, etc. There are also a lot of factors in considering whether to tell someone no or not. If the decision for either is yes, to go ahead, then there is a level of intensity to consider. I’ll be detailing out those factors and the list of asking/saying no intensities.

Factors to Consider…

Capability
1. Is the person able to give you what you want? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
2. Do you have what the other person wants? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
Priorities
1. Are your GOALS very important? Increase the intensity of ASKING.
2. Is your relationship shaky? Consider reducing the intensity of either.
3. Is your SELF-RESPECT on the line? The intensity should match your values.
Self-Respect
1. Do you usually do things for yourself? Are you careful to avoid acting helpless when you’re not? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
2. Will saying no make you feel bad about yourself, even when you’re thinking about it wisely?
  If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
Rights
1. Is the person required by law or moral code to give you what you want?
  If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
2. Are you required to give the person what he or she is asking for or would saying no violate the other person’s rights? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
Authority
1. Are you responsible for directing the person or telling the person what to do?
  If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
2. Does the person have authority over you, such as a boss or teacher, and is what the person asking within his or her authority? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
Relationship
1. Is what you want appropriate to the current relationship? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
2. Is what the person is asking for appropriate to your current relationship?
  If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
Long Term/Short Term Goals
1. Will not asking for what you want keep the peace now but create problems in the long run?
  If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
2. Is giving in to keep the peace right now more important than the long-term welfare of the relationship? Will you eventually regret or resent saying no? NO, raise the intensity of NO.
Give and Take
1. What have you done for the person; are you willing to give at least as much as you ask for?
  Are you willing to give if the person says yes? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
2. Do you owe this person a favor; does they do a lot for you? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
Homework
1. Have you done your homework? Do you know all the facts you need to know to support your request? Are you clear about what you want? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
2. Is the other person’s request clear; do you know what you are agreeing to?
  If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
Timing
1. Is this a good time to ask? Is the person in the mood for listening and paying attention to you; are you catching them when they are likely to say yes to your request? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
2. Is this a bad time to say no; should you hold off for a while? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.

Check out the chart under lists titled “How Intensely to Ask or Say No.” It’s a scale of 1-10 for each to make it easier make the decision. I hope this was helpful! As always, if there’s something that really resonates with you or something you want to comment on, please do so!

Introduction to Interpersonal Effectiveness

Posted on April 19, 2018 by brocke

The fourth and last module in the DBT curriculum is Interpersonal Effectiveness. In it we learn ways to get along with others in conversation, in making requests, saying no to others, and myths about interactions and self-respect. I want to start by saying this is very difficult for me, and I’m having a hard time continuing to keep this in mind and use the right skill in different situations.

It’s divided into sections, so the first page details how to decide what the goal is in interpersonal situations: