Everyone has fear. It’s part of our human nature, and it started in the Garden of Eden. It’s possible that Adam and Eve felt some fear (of the unknown?) when God told them they would die if they ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. And this fear Satan exploited. He came to Eve and said, “Ye shall not surely die.” To combat fear, Eve took control and ate the fruit. Adam sees that she ate the fruit, and is it possible he’s afraid that he’ll be separated from Eve forever? He takes control of his fear and joins her. This taking control, in an attempt to overcome fear, brought hurt and more fear. Human nature continued to produce and multiply in-born fears. And we, despite knowing both that Satan lied and Adam and Eve did die, try to take control to overcome our fear.

Studying this pattern and how it works in couples has led to the recognition of The Fear Dance, first coined by Gary Smalley, in his book The DNA of Relationships. (Gary started the Smalley Marriage Institute, where countless couples have attended marriage intensives and weekend retreats. Gary’s sons and their wives, Greg & Erin and Michael & Amy, now run the institute.)

Everyone has fear – fear of failure, abandonment, rejection, inadequacy, etc., and most people have a principal fear that when poked causes them to react badly. This is a “button” or a “trigger”. When that button is poked or pushed or we are triggered, many times we try to control the situation by going into attack mode and pushing the button of the offender. That person feeling their button being pushed, retaliates in an effort to take control, and the Fear Dance is whirling away.

The basic layout of the Fear Dance (between person A and person B) looks like this…

1. A’s button gets pushed
2. A feels hurt, rejected, sad, etc.
3. A’s fears rear up
4. A reacts by attacking
5. B’s button gets pushed
6. B feels hurt, rejected, sad, etc.
7. B’s fears rear up
8. B reacts by attacking back
9. The cycle repeats and possibly escalates.

Here’s an example…

1. A wife comments on money being tight.
2. The husband feels worried or anxious.
3. The husband’s fear of inadequacy or failure button is pushed.
4. To take control and not have to feel those emotions, the husband attacks.
5. The husband says, money wouldn’t be tight if you did a better job watching your spending.
6. The wife feels hurt, guilty, or anxious.
7. The wife’s fear of inferiority button is pushed.
8. To take control and not feel those emotions, the wife attacks.
9. The wife says, if you did a better job providing, I wouldn’t have to scrimp so much.
10. The husband’s fear of inadequacy button is pushed again.

And so the cycle continues.

The goal for me, when I was given this book at ACCFS, was to identify my feelings and fears, and then practice choosing a different response. The basic idea is that in recognition and response (instead of reaction) the dance will come to a halt. After all, it takes two to tango, or so the expression goes!

I’ve posted a Fear Dance Diagnostic Tool under Lists, and a new song, Step Out. Check them out!