First, just a warning that this post will be long, but hang it there, it all works together!
Sometimes the hardest part of setting boundaries is believing it’s necessary or good. Sometimes the hardest part is taking the step to set it and communicate it, and often it’s the maintaining that trips us up. One thing we learned that goes along with boundaries is a long-term view. If we evaluate (one of the laws mentioned last time) the pain caused by the boundary we’ve set, and it’s pain in the short term but not harm in the long run, it’s an appropriate boundary to have.
The most important thing to keep in mind is…
BEFORE YOU SET BOUNDARIES
Here are a few things to remember…
Many times, having a hard time setting boundaries signals:
- Low self-esteem and therefore one tries to gain favor by always being available.
- Low self-esteem and therefore one gives to build up their view of themselves.
- A way to avoid facing their own issues by never saying no and then being too busy.
Self-care is important because:
- If you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll have nothing left to give – because you can’t pour out of an empty pitcher.
- If you don’t take care of yourself, you could end up with nothing but resentment.
- If someone you give to over and over doesn’t recognize your giving, you are allowing them to be a taker.
And a few things to consider doing…
- Know yourself
- Your core values – what means most? What code would you live by? What is important to you?
- Your limits – where is the line that is not negotiable?
- Your feelings – what signifies to you that you’re feeling overrun?
- Your giving – what prompts you to give? What part of you desires to give? Is it out of duty or by choice?
- Your past – what did you learn from your family of origin as a child? Were you taught to always give, guard yourself, or something in between?
- Your present – what environments are you part of that may have peer pressure, such as co-workers who are willing to work a lot of hours?
- Identify takers in your life
- Figure out which people are true friends and which ones are using you or are takers.
- Figure out which relatives expect you to drop everything for them.
- Figure out who in your life is always breaking their promises or borrowing from you. especially without repaying you.
- Decide what consequences for overrun boundaries you plan to use ahead of time; try to use natural consequences as it makes the biggest impact.
SETTING BOUNDARIES
Start small. Resolve to not jump every time someone asks you to do something. Use phrases like “Let me think about that” or “I’ll have to check my calendar” to give you time to consider what they’re asking. When someone is very tuned into the needs of others, a simple request can cause guilt about saying no or angst of how to juggle the schedule to fit in the favor.
Avoid situations that drain your energy or reserves. Are you an introvert? Schedule time alone to recharge. Are you an extrovert? Keep your self-care a priority even as you recharge with family and friends.
When setting boundaries, use these steps:
- Communicate directly and clearly so there’s no question about what you mean, and choose a time when the conflict is not at its hottest.
- Say what you mean and mean what you say.
- Express the boundary in context of how it keeps you healthy and safe. Example: When this happens, I will do this action to keep me in the healthiest spot. (Boundaries are not a punishment on someone else or an effort to control another’s behavior, so the action must be on your part.)
- Include the consequences (that you’ve decided beforehand), such that there are no surprises.
A word on consequences…Using natural consequences makes the most impact. Say a husband or wife has set a boundary that if their spouse repeatedly comes home late without calling, they will be excluded from some family activity on the weekend. This consequence isn’t connected to the boundary-breaking action and is too far removed in time to make a difference; it keeps the spouse on the hook all week. If the spouse comes home late without calling anyway, it would be a more natural consequence to say ‘we will eat as a family without you while the food is hot, and you can eat what’s left when it’s cold.’ Consequences should also cause the person crossing the boundary more trouble or pain then it causes you. For example, if a teen breaks a house rule, and the parent takes away their car, guess whose schedule is going to be disrupted when that teen needs a ride to work or school. Lastly, consequences should be enforceable. If you say to a friend, “If you continue to borrow without repaying me, I won’t ever spend time with you again” but you’ll see them at church, potluck, bible study, etc., it’s not a consequence you can enforce.
MAINTAINING BOUNDARIES
When boundaries are put in place, the one consistently overstepping that line (causing a need for the boundary in the first place) will often get upset or angry. They liked the status quo and may even feel as though they are being treated like a child. When the going gets tough, as it often does when one sets boundaries, the most important things to remember are to:
- Practice self-awareness – tune into your feelings, know when you are feeling overrun
- Give yourself permission – to work to keep the boundary in place and not give in for an easier short-term compromise
- Make self-care a priority – as you feel the hurt, disappointment, and anger of a crossed boundary, make sure to take care of yourself so you’re not reacting out of emotion, exhaustion, or emptiness.
- Seek support – find a few people who can support you in this effort with encouragement and a listening ear.
- Be assertive – find the fortitude within yourself to reiterate your boundary in an assertive, but not aggressive way.
One way to give yourself a boost to respond instead of react is to let behavior give credibility to your boundary instead of just your words. Use the consequences. such as saying to your child, “when you speak to me disrespectfully, I won’t respond to your statement or question.” When the child speaks disrespectfully, you can say, “I said I wasn’t going to answer” or you can simply not answer. Because you said you wouldn’t answer, saying anything at that point actually causes you to lose face and look like you didn’t mean what you said when you set the boundary.
Maintenance and evaluation are always a part of setting a boundary. Remember boundaries are supposed to be flexible as the situation changes, so if the offending party begins to mend their ways the boundary can be adjusted. To make adjustments, there must be an evaluation of how it works. And if the offending party refuses to mend their ways, maintenance of the boundary is a must such that the consistency of it doesn’t crumble making the initial boundary seem like hot air. As you maintain and evaluate, use these points…
- Decide whether this boundary is negotiable – is this a hard line, or can it be shifted? How important is it to your core values?
- Journal what is happening – actions, words, reactions, boundary violations; having it written down helps keep you accountable to consistency in using the consequences and can give you the first glimpse of when the other person starts to make behavioral changes.
- Accept that some people will not respect your boundaries no matter what you do – choose to accept it and consistently enforce the consequences, or disengage from the relationship entirely. It’s not your job to make the person change. You are concentrating on being the healthiest you can be.
- Practice loving detachment, when necessary – leave unsafe situations, respond in a different way, decline invitations, allow others to make their own choices/consequences, don’t give unsolicited advice, choose to not participate in the same old arguments, take some space or time away from the other person.
Boundaries, when set up right and used correctly are designed to keep the good in and the bad out. It works like a gate in a fenced yard. If the fence wasn’t put up, anyone could wander into the yard and take advantage of the owner. If the fence has no gate, the yard is unusable as no one can get in. With a fence and a gate, the bad can be kept out and the good can be let in. In the ACCFS material, they describe these two scenarios as “chalk lines”, and “concrete walls”.
One boundary God set for us was sabbath rest; this is a built-in way to say no and take time to be restored. I remember hearing once, in an ACCFS presentation on boundaries, that there are times the most spiritual thing one can do is to take a nap!
