Signs of codependency – This long list taken as a whole is somewhat extreme!…
People who are codependent need another
person in their life to “approve” of them for
them to feel good about themselves. They
don’t like themselves (Low Self-esteem),
so they are desperate for someone else
to show them they are actually likeable.
Some are afraid of rejection even when
they are capable of functioning on their
own, while others show bravado and
come across as overconfident, while
underneath they actually feel unlovable
or inadequate. Most, if not all, have strong
feelings of shame and/or guilt. This desperate
need for another’s approval can easily cause
someone to feel trapped in a relationship – with a partner, friend, or relative – because the dread of being alone is overwhelming, even if the relationship is damaging (Dependency). It’s easier to stay with a damaging familiarity than to become healthy. (I’m not suggesting anyone should walk out of their marriage; there is hope and healing available as long as both partners are willing to admit it and get help.)
The desperate need for approval creates a People Pleasing mentality which, many times rolls right into Caretaking. Because the goal is not to upset the other person or the relationship, the codependent will go out of their way to sacrifice their own needs, wants, opinions, time, etc. for that other person. Saying no causes great anxiety. They can become Obsessed with anticipating the needs of the other person, spending inordinate amounts of time and energy thinking about the relationship, making plans, trying to be perfect, agonizing over mistakes. Over time they completely lose themselves, are unable to share their own opinion, and may be unaware of what they really think anymore.
The anxiety over saying no leads to Poor Boundaries, either weak and blurry, rigid, or a swing from one extreme to the other. With weak boundaries they blame themselves for others’ problems and feel responsible for other people’s feelings. With rigid boundaries they are closed off from others, but this gives them a feeling of control. Control equals safety because there’s less risk of needing to share their feelings, and if everyone behaves in a certain way, the codependent feels secure. The other person isn’t upset and the relationship is secure. Control can be manipulated through the people pleasing and caretaking already mentioned or by the codependent bossing others around. With poor boundaries and a need for control Reactivity is high. Any disagreement causes hurt feelings because there’s no boundary of where one person ends and the other begins; therefore, the other person’s disagreement is absorbed as a reflection of the codependent instead of just another person’s thought.
With an uncertain end to one person and beginning of the other and with high reactivity, Communication is Dysfunctional. The codependent loses themselves to the point that they aren’t even sure what their own thoughts, feelings, and needs are. They may agree with the other person to keep peace. They may try to manipulate the other person out of fear. Over time communication cannot be trusted.
It’s easy for a codependent unsure of what they think and feel to deny they have feelings and needs. They focus on what others are feeling and often blame others or their situation for any problems; they either complain or try to fix the other person, and go from one relationship or job to another. On the other hand, some act like they’re self-sufficient and won’t reach out or receive help. If they feel self-sufficient, they’re in Denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy. Sometimes lapsing into fantasy is a way to avoid the pain of the present.
All of the above difficulties create Painful Emotions – stress, shame, fear of abandonment and rejection, feeling trapped, anger, resentment, depression. In extreme cases, hopelessness, despair, or numbness can result.
