We all know that communication is a two-way street.
The parts of communication include:
- The sender – the person speaking
- The message – the idea or information they want to convey
- The encoding – words, tone of voice, and body language chosen during expression
- The medium – the means by which the message is conveyed
- The receiver – the listener
- The decoding – the listener’s understanding of the message
- The feedback – how the listener conveys back that they understand
Just like last time when I listed out what can block us from listening effectively, there are also responsibilities for the one speaking. The tone of voice, body language, words that the speaker chooses, consciously or unconsciously, have a big impact on how the information is received. Research shows that only 7% of communication is conveyed by the actual words spoken. (If you’re interested, check out the blog on microexpressions here. It explains how universal our facial expressions are based on the emotion we feel. These will be picked up by the listener and affect how the message is received.)
Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned psychologist who has co-founded the Gottman Institute for marriage therapy, studied marriage and predicted divorce, written books, and created many communication tools to help couples improve their marriages. One of his tools is called the Four Horsemen. It is similar to the Blocks to Listening in that it’s “Ways of Speaking that make a Speaker Ineffective”.
- Criticism – an attack on the listener’s character rather than a comment or complaint about their actions.
- Contempt – treating the listener with disrespect, mocking, ridiculing, using sarcasm
- Defensiveness – defending our actions to the other person, not taking responsibility, or reversing blame to make it the other person’s fault.
- Stonewalling – shutting down, turning away, acting busy, refusing to speak
The last barrier to speaking effectively is not saying what you mean or meaning what you say. The message needs to be encoded in an articulate manner and in keeping with the ability and knowledge of the listener such that they can decode is effectively. Likewise, if the speaker is saying things they don’t mean, they will send all kinds of messages to the listener that are not intended, unless they are trying to deceive the listener.
Gottman’s remedy for a breakdown in communication is to use the Speaker-Listener Technique. The idea is that after the speaker talks for a short time, the listener paraphrases “I heard you say…” or “I understand that you said…” This allows the speaker to evaluate if they encoded their message correctly in a way the listener can understand.
One last thought to leave with you…
