Blocks to Effective Listening

Any time there are two people in relationship, there’s a need for communication between them. And any time there’s communication between two people there’s a potential for that communication to break down. For communication to be effective, both people have to do their part. The speaker needs to say what they mean and mean what they say. The speaker must speak a short time to let the listener grasp what he or she is saying and give the listener a chance to respond. The listener should listen mindfully – concentrating on what the speaker is saying and not concentrating on how they will respond.

Both in counseling at ACCFS and at Timberline, we talked about twelve blocks to listening.

Comparing – concentrating on questions in your mind instead of what the other person is saying.
1. Who is smarter or more competent?
2. Who has suffered more or is the bigger victim?
3. Who has a more dramatic story to tell?
Rehearsing – putting all your
attention on what you’ll say next.
1. Have to look interested,
  but your mind is racing.
2. Are concerned with getting
  your own point or story out
3. Rehearse a chain of responses such as
  I’ll say this, then he’ll say that, and I’ll answer, etc.
Identifying – having to share your own experience or one-up the person with each thought or story they share, and not allowing yourself to hear them.
Advising – concentrating on how to solve the “problem” presented in conversation.
1. Searching for the right advice can mask something important.
2. Missing the other person’s feelings and not being able to acknowledge the hurt or frustration.
3. The other person feels unheard.
Filtering – listening selectively for the
mood of the conversation or by only
hearing the positive or negative.
1. Paying attention only enough to
  see if they are angry, unhappy,
  or if you are in emotional.danger.
2. Example used: A mother listens to
  her son long enough to see if he was
  fighting at school, and if not, her mind
  wanders during the rest of his speaking.
3. Example used: A husband, once ascertaining his wife is in a
  positive mood, lets his thoughts wander instead of listening.
Mind Reading – trying to figure out what the other person is really thinking and feeling.
1. Often distrusting the words of the other person.
2. Making assumptions about how the other person will react.
3. Relying on intuition, hunches, and vague misgivings.
Sparring – Being so quick to disagree that the other person never feels heard.
1. Focusing on what you can’t agree with and taking a strong stand for your own preferences.
2. Put-downs – example: one person comments on a frustration with an activity, and the other says “why aren’t you smart enough to just not do that activity?”
3. Shifting – turning the conversation to HOW it was stated instead of concentrating on WHAT was stated.
Judging – Putting a negative label on the other person before they begin speaking.
1. Thinking it’s not necessary to listen to someone if they’re “stupid” or unqualified.
2. Judging a statement as crazy or an idea as unworkable before hearing it out.
3. Having a knee-jerk reaction.
Being Right – Going to any length to avoid being wrong.
1. Twisting the facts, shouting, making excuses or accusations, bring up the past
2. Not listening to or accepting any criticism, correction, or suggestions for change.
3. Continuing to make the same mistakes.
Derailing – Either suddenly changing the subject or joking in order to avoid listening to the other person.
Dreaming – something the other person says triggers a private chain of thoughts
1. Part of the conversation is missed due to the mind wandering.
2. Everyone dreams at times, but if it happens over and over with the same person, it can indicate a lack of commitment to and appreciation for that person.
3. Discounting – deflecting compliments by putting yourself down.
Placating – Responding without fully engaging, such as “right…right…absolutely…I know…really?”