We all know that communication is a two-way street.
The parts of communication include:

1. The sender – the person speaking
2. The message – the idea or information they want to convey
3. The encoding – words, tone of voice, and body language chosen during expression
4. The medium – the means by which the message is conveyed
5. The receiver – the listener
6. The decoding – the listener’s understanding of the message
7. The feedback – how the listener conveys back that they understand

Just like last time when I listed out what can block us from listening effectively, there are also responsibilities for the one speaking.  The tone of voice, body language, words that the speaker chooses, consciously or unconsciously, have a big impact on how the information is received.  Research shows that only 7% of communication is conveyed by the actual words spoken.  (If you’re interested, check out the blog on microexpressions here. It explains how universal our facial expressions are based on the emotion we feel.  These will be picked up by the listener and affect how the message is received.)

Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned psychologist who has co-founded the Gottman Institute for marriage therapy, studied marriage and predicted divorce, written books, and created many communication tools to help couples improve their marriages.  One of his tools is called the Four Horsemen.  It is similar to the Blocks to Listening in that it’s “Ways of Speaking that make a Speaker Ineffective”.

1. Criticism – an attack on the listener’s character rather than a comment or complaint about their actions.
2. Contempt – treating the listener with disrespect, mocking, ridiculing, using sarcasm
3. Defensiveness – defending our actions to the other person, not taking responsibility, or reversing blame to make it the other person’s fault.
4. Stonewalling – shutting down, turning away, acting busy, refusing to speak

The last barrier to speaking effectively is not saying what you mean or meaning what you say.  The message needs to be encoded in an articulate manner and in keeping with the ability and knowledge of the listener such that they can decode is effectively. Likewise, if the speaker is saying things they don’t mean, they will send all kinds of messages to the listener that are not intended, unless they are trying to deceive the listener.

Gottman’s remedy for a breakdown in communication is to use the Speaker-Listener Technique.  The idea is that after the speaker talks for a short time, the listener paraphrases “I heard you say…” or “I understand that you said…”  This allows the speaker to evaluate if they encoded their message correctly in a way the listener can understand.

One last thought to leave with you…

Any time there are two people in relationship, there’s a need for communication between them.  And any time there’s communication between two people there’s a potential for that communication to break down.  For communication to be effective, both people have to do their part.  The speaker needs to say what they mean and mean what they say.  The speaker must speak a short time to let the listener grasp what he or she is saying and give the listener a chance to respond.  The listener should listen mindfully – concentrating on what the speaker is saying and not concentrating on how they will respond.

Both in counseling at ACCFS and at Timberline, we talked about twelve blocks to listening.

1. Comparing – concentrating on questions in your mind instead of what the other person is saying.
   1. Who is smarter or more competent?
   2. Who has suffered more or is the bigger victim?
   3. Who has a more dramatic story to tell?
2. Rehearsing – putting all your
   attention on what you’ll say next.
   1. Have to look interested,
      but your mind is racing.
   2. Are concerned with getting
      your own point or story out
   3. Rehearse a chain of responses such as
      I’ll say this, then he’ll say that, and I’ll answer, etc.
3. Identifying – having to share your own experience or one-up the person with each thought or story they share, and not allowing yourself to hear them.
4. Advising – concentrating on how to solve the “problem” presented in conversation.
   1. Searching for the right advice can mask something important.
   2. Missing the other person’s feelings and not being able to acknowledge the hurt or frustration.
   3. The other person feels unheard.
5. Filtering – listening selectively for the
   mood of the conversation or by only
   hearing the positive or negative.
   1. Paying attention only enough to
      see if they are angry, unhappy,
      or if you are in emotional.danger.
   2. Example used: A mother listens to
      her son long enough to see if he was
      fighting at school, and if not, her mind
      wanders during the rest of his speaking.
   3. Example used: A husband, once ascertaining his wife is in a
      positive mood, lets his thoughts wander instead of listening.
6. Mind Reading – trying to figure out what the other person is really thinking and feeling.
   1. Often distrusting the words of the other person.
   2. Making assumptions about how the other person will react.
   3. Relying on intuition, hunches, and vague misgivings.
7. Sparring – Being so quick to disagree that the other person never feels heard.
   1. Focusing on what you can’t agree with and taking a strong stand for your own preferences.
   2. Put-downs – example: one person comments on a frustration with an activity, and the other says “why aren’t you smart enough to just not do that activity?”
   3. Shifting – turning the conversation to HOW it was stated instead of concentrating on WHAT was stated.
8. Judging – Putting a negative label on the other person before they begin speaking.
   1. Thinking it’s not necessary to listen to someone if they’re “stupid” or unqualified.
   2. Judging a statement as crazy or an idea as unworkable before hearing it out.
   3. Having a knee-jerk reaction.
9. Being Right – Going to any length to avoid being wrong.
   1. Twisting the facts, shouting, making excuses or accusations, bring up the past
   2. Not listening to or accepting any criticism, correction, or suggestions for change.
   3. Continuing to make the same mistakes.
10. Derailing – Either suddenly changing the subject or joking in order to avoid listening to the other person.
11. Dreaming – something the other person says triggers a private chain of thoughts
    1. Part of the conversation is missed due to the mind wandering.
    2. Everyone dreams at times, but if it happens over and over with the same person, it can indicate a lack of commitment to and appreciation for that person.
    3. Discounting – deflecting compliments by putting yourself down.
12. Placating – Responding without fully engaging, such as “right…right…absolutely…I know…really?”

Which of these hit home for you?  I’ve been guilty of them all, and yet, there are a few that seem to pop up over and over.

Check out a new song I posted called “His Voice”.

And tune in next time for tips for the Speaker.

In the same documents given to us at Timberline that explained the love languages, there was a list of how to use your love language in your own self-care.  We talked about how to take care of ourselves in a way that spoke meaning into our lives, gave us reason for hope that life would get better, and turned around the negative thought process toward ourselves that precipitated the self-harm, addictions, anxiety, and depression.

Here is a list of suggestions:

1. Acts of Service
   1. Maintain a clean home
   2. Run an errand
   3. Bake something
   4. Try a cooking or cleaning service
2. Quality Time
   1. Meditate
   2. Journal
   3. Spend time in nature
   4. Plan a retreat
3. Words of Affirmation
   1. Keep a compliment scrapbook
   2. Write affirmations on post-its and put them around the house
   3. Write yourself a love letter
   4. Speak the truth of scripture to yourself
4. Physical Touch
   1. Give yourself a foot massage
   2. Volunteer as a client for a massage student
   3. Take a bubble bath
   4. Wrap up in a soft blanket
5. Receiving Gifts
   1. Budget for small rewards just for fun
   2. Buy yourself flowers
   3. Sign up for a monthly gift box subscription
   4. Give yourself a bucket list experience

There are many versions of the Five Love Languages book – for teens, for singles, for men, for couples, etc.  One version shows us how God loves us with the love language he created as part of our make-up.  These are some verses that show how God loves us in different ways; these are mostly about Jesus when he was here, but I’m sure you can think of verses that describe how God loves in each of these ways.

1. Words of Affirmation
   1. I Peter 1:25 – But the word of the Lord endureth forever. And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you.
   2. John 10:27 – My sheep hear my voice, and I  know them, and they follow me.
2. Quality Time
   1. Luke 10:23 – And he turned him unto his
      disciples and said privately, Blessed are
      the eyes which see the things that ye see.
   2. Luke 10:39 – And she had a sister called
      Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet, and
      heard his word.
3. Receiving Gifts
   1. James 1:17 – Every good gift and every
      perfect gift is from above, and cometh 
      down from the Father of lights, with
      whom is no variableness, neither
      shadow of turning.
   2. Matthew 7:11 – If ye then, being evil,
      know how to give good gifts unto your
      children, how much more shall your
      which is in heaven give good things
      to them that ask him?
4. Acts of Service
   1. John 13:5 – After that he poureth water
      into a bason, and began to wash the
      disciples’ feet and to wipe them with
      the towel wherewith he was girded.
   2. John 21:9-12 – As soon as they were come
      to land, they saw a fire of coals there, and
      fish laid thereon, and bread…Jesus saith unto them, Come and dine. Jesus then cometh, and taketh bread, and giveth them, and fish likewise.
5. Physical Touch
   1. Mark 10:13-16 – And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me…And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.
   2. Matthew 17:5-7 – While he yet spake, behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them: and behold a voice out of the cloud…And when the disciples heard it, they fell on their face, and were afraid. And Jesus came and touched them, and said, Arise, and be not afraid.