The next topic in the flow of DBT is “Using AND instead of OR or BUT.”  As I started to write, I was struck that maybe I had written about this before, and looking back, I saw a post on using AND instead of OR; here, I’ll give a short review of OR and then concentrate on BUT.

When we use AND instead OR we allow everyone to have their own opinions, their own way of doing things, their own solutions to dilemmas, instead of pitting people against others in figuring out which part of the OR is “correct.”  There is rarely only one way to do something, so when we put a stake in the ground that one OR the other must be correct, we negate all other ways to solve a problem or get something done.  We also can alienate our friends and family.  That is the negative of OR.  The positive to using AND is a reduction of tension. We don’t have to be in conflict with others in order to prove ourselves “right.”

Here are some of the examples I used last time…

• Either I’m right or you’re right. ⇒ I like seafood restaurants and you like steakhouses; we’re both right.
• Either I can do this perfectly or I’m a failure. ⇒ I can make mistakes and not be a failure; everyone makes mistakes.
• Either I am loved or I’m worthless. ⇒ Sometimes I mess up and I’m still loved.
• Either I choose option A or option B. ⇒ Sometimes option A and option B are both viable options along with many more choices.

Check out these examples of how two things can be true…Is the first one a duck or rabbit?

Moving on to BUT…It’s the same essential premise of tension reduction by allowing others say in life.  How many times has someone apologized to you and then added BUT…?  How many times has someone said to you, “That’s fine, BUT…”?

When we come to God in repentance there’s an expectation that we’ll come broken, without justifying our actions, without rationalizing our motives, accepting the responsibility of our wrong-doing.  We come without saying, “I’m sorry, BUT…”  Sometimes we even ask God to forgive us those things we may have done that we don’t remember.

Likewise, then, when we apologize to someone else, it’s best to bring it without justification and rationalization – No, I’m sorry, BUT.  This can take two forms:  1) I’m sorry, BUT you did…  2) I’m sorry, BUT I thought…  In the first, the apology is negated because it sounds like it’s the other person’s fault.  In the second, the apology is negated because it sounds like there wasn’t wrongdoing.  This then leads to a conclusion that we should just say, I’m sorry for what I did.

However, there is a place for AND here, especially if the hurt or wrongdoing was unintentional.  For example, if we step on someone’s foot, we’d say, “Oh, I’m sorry;” and because it’s an accident we could add “AND I didn’t see you there.”  A couple of other examples for when there’s hurt feelings due to misunderstanding, might be:

1. I’m sorry what I said was hurtful,
   AND it wasn’t my intention to cause you pain.”
2. “I’m sorry what I said hurt you,
   AND this is what I should’ve said.”
3. “I’m sorry what I said was hurtful,
   AND please let me rephrase that.”

Using AND here validates that feelings were hurt and acknowledges that it was unintentional.  It allows the one hurt to see that the other person is genuine in their apology. If the one hurt can accept that (this is where I get tripped up!), then the other person could try again. Hopefully this all makes sense!!