Wow, it seems like a long time since I posted last! Duane and I were able to visit Allison in Santiago, Chile – it was so good to see her! We were able to walk around her host family’s neighborhood, tour her college campus, meet her coworkers and friends at the campus ministry (El Oasis), and visit the coast cities of Valparaiso and Viña del Mar. Duane and Allison were also able to do some longer hikes in more remote areas as he stayed a few days longer than I did.
It’s taken longer for me to get back into the
groove here at home, but I’m back at it now.
The next topic in the Interpersonal Effectiveness
module is self-compassion. Here’s the post I
had prepared about self-compassion…
When I was in PHP (the step-down program) at Timberline, we had a couple sessions on self-compassion. So many people with anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder, OCD, eating disorders, and addictions are hard on themselves, which can make whatever they’re dealing with more difficult.
Here are excerpts from a paper we studied – The Power of Self-Compassion by Bonnie Cleaver
“Your family and closest friends aside, there are few relationships that last a lifetime. But imagine you were committed to one such relationship for the long haul, where, instead of being loved and appreciated, you were berated for every little slip-up and imperfections, from the gym class you skipped to the work presentation you weren’t prepared for to what you ate for dinner. Still, you never spoke up, meekly accepting every criticism as valid, vowing to try better next time. Highly dysfunctional, right?
Here’s the thing: many of us are in that relationship right now – and it’s with ourselves…”
“If the thought of easing up makes you feel a little, well, nervous, you’re not alone. After all, we live in a world hungry for high achievement. And for many of us, the internal ‘tough talk’ seems to be a vital ally for keeping us in line. ”When people first hear about self-compassion, they are usually suspicious. They say, ‘Hey, isn’t that self-pity or self-indulgence?’” says Kristin Neff [associate professor in human development and culture at the University of Texas]. “They think that being a kind, supportive friend to yourself is somehow not going to work, even though we know it works if you’re a parent or a coach.”
Here there is a lot of information on studies done on how self-compassion affects people.
“…while self-help experts have been fixated on self-esteem for years, self-compassion is now emerging as a superior strategy for feeling good about yourself. Why? Because strong self-esteem hinges on being successful in areas that matter to you, from career success to being married. “If how good you feel is contingent on those things, then you automatically set yourself up for feeling bad,” says Tal Schlosser [director of myLife Psychologists]. “Self-compassion provides a much more stable sense of worth that isn’t based on achievement – you have worth because you’re human.”
As well as fostering self-love, self-compassion can lead to a more loved-up relationship… “We found that people were much happier and more satisfied in their relationship if their partners were self-compassionate. Self-compassionate partners were more caring, had greater ability for intimacy, and were less controlling and less verbally aggressive.” The reason? Folks who give themselves emotional support and validation don’t rely on their partners to meet all of their needs and in turn, are more emotionally generous. They’re also better able to own up to their mistakes, rather than needing to be right all the time.”
Next in the article were two lists…
Elements of Self-Compassion
- Self-Kindness – Kindness, care, and encouragement towards yourself when you slip up, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than being self-critical or judgmental
- Common Humanity – Context when we feel inadequate that everyone feels the same sometimes
- Mindfulness – Mindful response, where we can observe our flaws in a calm, balanced and more non-judgmental way
Cultivate Kindness in Four Easy Steps
- Commit to Self-Compassion – Decide that self-criticism is not serving you as the first important step; the second step is to give yourself permission to change by admitting you’re tired of suffering caused by self-criticism
- Tame Negative Self-Talk – Notice how you speak to yourself, how often judgments crop up, and the tone of voice you use in addressing yourself; imagine you are speaking to a friend and talk to yourself that way
- Call on an Guru or Mentor – Visualize an interaction between someone like Mother Theresa and yourself, imagining what sort of things they’d say to you; ask yourself if you’re feeling worse than necessary
- Spread the Self-Love – If a friend or colleague is berating or belittling themselves, interject with a few kind words, urging them to put things in perspective, while resisting the temptation to share your own self-disparaging war story.
