Month: April 2018

DEAR MAN

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Now we’re ready to dive into the skills of the Interpersonal Effectiveness Module, the first of which is called DEAR MAN – this is the skill you use if your objective in your interaction is to get what you want from someone else.  The examples that we used in our sessions at Timberline included situations like these:

  1. Your friend always expects you to pay when you meet for lunch.
  2. Your spouse frequently forgets to call when they’re going to be home late.
  3. Your roommate doesn’t clean up behind themselves when they use the bathroom or kitchen.

The long version of DEAR MAN is this…

D – DESCRIBE:   Describe the current situation; stick to the facts while telling the other person exactly what you are reacting to.

E – EXPRESS:   Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel.

A – ASSERT:   Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Do not assume that others will figure out what you want. Remember that others can’t read your mind.

R – REINFORCE/REWARD:   Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need.   ⇒  Remember also to reward desired behavior after the fact.

M – MINDFULNESS:   Keep your focus on your goals.
Maintain your position; don’t be distracted or get off topic.   ⇒ Use “broken record” by repeating your questions or saying no, expressing your opinion over and over.   ⇒ Ignore attacks by bringing the conversation back to the topic you started.

A – APPEAR CONFIDENT:   Appear effective and competent; use a confident tone of voice and physical manner.  Make good eye contact. Don’t stammer, whisper, stare at the floor, or retreat.

N – NEGOTIATE:   Be willing to give to get; reduce your request.  Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem.  If saying no, offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way.

So next I’ll list out how each of the scenarios listed about
can be approached through the DEAR MAN skill.

1. Your friend always expects you to pay when you meet for lunch.

(D)   “When we meet for lunch, I always have to pay; either you forget your wallet or explain how you don’t have the money.”
(E)   “This makes me feel used and that our friendship isn’t reciprocal.”
(A)   “I’d really like you to pay for your meals or to take turns paying the whole bill.”
(R)   “If you’d agree to some rotation if would be easier for me to keep meeting for lunch. Our friendship would mean more because I wouldn’t feel used.”
(M)   If the person tries to talk about the last place you met for lunch, say, “We can talk about that restaurant later; right now I’d like to discuss how we split up payment for lunch.”
(A)   Keep eye contact and speak confidently.
(N)   If the other person says something like, “I just don’t have the money right now, but I love meeting you and always enjoy our conversations,” then respond with something like, “Oh, I didn’t realize that!  Maybe we could meet for other activities instead of lunch. Do you want to walk in the park? Or maybe we could volunteer somewhere?”

2. Your spouse frequently forgets to call when they’re going to be home late.

(D)  “You haven’t called when you’re going to be home late.”
(E)   “This makes me feel like you don’t consider my feelings. I don’t know if I should go ahead and feed the kids or not.”
(A)   “I’d really like you to call if you’re going to be late.”
(R)   “If you call when you’re going to be late, I’ll know that you’re considerate of me. I’ll know if I should feed the kids supper or not, and I’ll be in a better mood when you come home which is good for our relationship.
(M)   If your spouse starts to talk about how much work they have to do, say, “I realize you have a lot to do, but we’re talking about calling home when you’re going to be late.”  If your spouse attacks with, “you’re always so demanding!” then say, “Right now we’re talking about my request for you to call home when you’re going to be late.”
(A)   Keep eye contact, speak confidently, and don’t retreat.
(N)   “Do you have an idea of how you could let me know you’re going to be late?”

3. Your roommate doesn’t clean up behind themselves when they use the bathroom.

(D)   “I’ve noticed you leave your things out in the bathroom when you get ready for the day.”
(E)    “It’s difficult to use the bathroom with your things spread out; I feel frustrated every morning.”
(A)   “I’m asking you to please clean up the bathroom when you’re done.
(R)   “We’ll get along better, both be able to use the bathroom, and I’ll get less frustrated with you.”
(M)  Pick a time when you’re not frustrated and neither of you is busy.
(A)  Keep eye contact and speak confidently.
(N)  “if it helps, I can ask you if I pick up your stuff, and wait til you come clean it up.  Or I can put it away for you if it’s out. What do you think we should do to solve this?”

I confess that it’s pretty easy to write this out, to think through a situation, to practice what I’d say. And then it’s difficult to follow through and remember what I practiced!  Even though it’s difficult, I have been able to use DEAR MAN successfully – once or twice. 🙂  Try it and see if it works for you!

Choice (Morning Reading)

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As I start to outline the Interpersonal Effectiveness Module, it seems appropriate to include this morning reading of Choice.  Everything we do involves making choices, and those choices affect those around us, especially when we’re interacting.  When the passage references being under the influence, consider the broadest meaning of that phrase – it’s not just alcohol and drugs, but we could be under the influence of food, pornography, emotions, our relationship with someone else, our need to please others, our need to “look good” to others, pride, false humility, caffeine, etc.  

Don’t just want. Choose.
~Patricia Benson

For many of us the fog is only beginning to clear. It takes a while to understand that all along life has been about making choices. Because we were under the influence, we inadvertently rolled into many situations with unclear intentions. Not being conscious of our choices, however, doesn’t absolve us of the responsibility for making them. Now we have the opportunity, with the help of the program, to take charge of our choices. We can, with thought, make responsible choices.

We are assured the gift of empowerment when we actively take charge of our choices. We used to want things to work out without doing our part or asking for what we needed. Or we never consciously made choices. What has become so very clear is that not choosing is in fact choosing! And, no doubt, we are still saddled with the results of some of the “choices” we never intended to make. No longer does this need to be our life pattern. Today is new day, and this program is giving us every tool we need to embark on the new course.

I will grow in confidence the more I consciously choose among my many options today.
~From A Woman’s Spirit

Asking for Something or Saying No to a Request

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There are a lot of factors to consider when deciding to ask for a favor, something you need, something you want, etc.  There are also a lot of factors in considering whether to tell someone no or not.  If the decision for either is yes, to go ahead, then there is a level of intensity to consider.  I’ll be detailing out those factors and the list of asking/saying no intensities.

Factors to Consider…

  1. Capability
    1. Is the person able to give you what you want? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
    2. Do you have what the other person wants? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
  2. Priorities
    1. Are your GOALS very important? Increase the intensity of ASKING.
    2. Is your relationship shaky? Consider reducing the intensity of either.
    3. Is your SELF-RESPECT on the line? The intensity should match your values.
  3. Self-Respect
    1. Do you usually do things for yourself? Are you careful to avoid acting helpless when you’re not? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
    2. Will saying no make you feel bad about yourself, even when you’re thinking about it wisely?
      If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
  4. Rights
    1. Is the person required by law or moral code to give you what you want?
      If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
    2. Are you required to give the person what he or she is asking for or would saying no violate the other person’s rights? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
  5. Authority
    1. Are you responsible for directing the person or telling the person what to do?
      If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
    2. Does the person have authority over you, such as a boss or teacher, and is what the person asking within his or her authority? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
  6. Relationship
    1. Is what you want appropriate to the current relationship? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
    2. Is what the person is asking for appropriate to your current relationship?
      If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
  7. Long Term/Short Term Goals
    1. Will not asking for what you want keep the peace now but create problems in the long run?
      If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
    2. Is giving in to keep the peace right now more important than the long-term welfare of the relationship? Will you eventually regret or resent saying no? NO, raise the intensity of NO.
  8. Give and Take
    1. What have you done for the person; are you willing to give at least as much as you ask for?
      Are you willing to give if the person says yes? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
    2. Do you owe this person a favor; does they do a lot for you? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
  9. Homework
    1. Have you done your homework? Do you know all the facts you need to know to support your request? Are you clear about what you want?  If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
    2. Is the other person’s request clear; do you know what you are agreeing to?
      If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
  10. Timing
    1. Is this a good time to ask? Is the person in the mood for listening and paying attention to you; are you catching them when they are likely to say yes to your request? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.
    2. Is this a bad time to say no; should you hold off for a while? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.

Check out the chart under lists titled “How Intensely to Ask or Say No.”  It’s a scale of 1-10 for each to make it easier make the decision.  I hope this was helpful!  As always, if there’s something that really resonates with you or something you want to comment on, please do so!

(Lists of Facts to Consider taken directly from DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition by Marsha M Linehan. Copyright 2015)