Psalm 40 has always been special to me because it speaks of God being patient, hearing me, and helping me. It took on new meaning when I started an intensive treatment two years ago. The treatment is called intensive for a reason! I truly felt through this that God had brought me out of a pit. Sometimes that pit felt so dark and oppressive I thought I’d never see light, but God was gracious to show me the way out. At this point God also set my feet on a foundation of his Son. I came to know Jesus as I’d never known him before. My distorted view of God changed to be more in line with the truth of His Word. I was able to praise Him for all the blessings He’s given me.

As I was working through these hard topics, God also renewed my gift to write; I had written some poetry as a child but not much since then.  The words started flowing. At times, I’d have words come to mind, sit down to write, and within minutes have the whole song written. Other times, an idea would come through a phrase I heard or read or through a sermon, and I work with it until the song was written, sometimes for a couple hours, sometimes for a couple of days. I didn’t hear a melody with the words, so for now it’s more like poetry. I hope someday to have them set to music. I believe that, at some point, God will help me figure out who the right person is for that job!

When considering this blog idea, I was drawn instantly to Psalm 40. It was such an expression of where I’d been and where I’ve come to thus far. It also gives expression to the songs I’ve written which come through the Spirit in me.

I spent some time reflecting on the Psalm and writing it out. As I did the hymn “O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing” came to mind. I looked up those lyrics and wrote them out. They mirrored my thoughts so closely! I decided to add that to the main page so the psalm and hymn are seen together.

Music has been important to me for a long time. During intensive treatment, I listened to so many songs that spoke of God’s love and acceptance, His desire for relationship with us, His care of us. It was so healing. In between appointments I would go back and listen again, just letting the words and the music roll over me. There have been studies that connect music to the process of healing and recovery. You may have heard or seen stroke survivors who aren’t able to carry on a conversation join in when someone starts singing hymns. There’s just something about it that connects to the soul.

One funny story comes to mind…I heard it growing up, and may not have remembered it right, so mom and dad, you can correct me if I’m wrong. The story goes that there was a little boy who stuttered so badly he could hardly talk. One day while playing or working outside, he ran up to the house in a panic. Those in the house came out to see what the problem was, but they couldn’t understand him in his panicked state. One of them said, “Sing, sing!” And he did!  “The barn is on fire!” It was clear, they could understand, and everyone raced away to help.

Back to the idea of the healing aspect of music…At Timberline there is a piano in the dining hall. I craved playing it, but had no opportunity to go there other than meal time. One day after finishing my meal, I got up the nerve to approach the piano. I didn’t have any music with me, so I played the only song I still have memorized from childhood – The Black Hawk Waltz written by Mary E Walsh in the 1880s. (If you’d like to hear it, there’s half a dozen options on YouTube.)  A couple of the residents started waltzing in between the tables, and when I finished everyone clapped! After I was given my white hat, I asked if I could go up there during my 20 min away from the lodge. The answer was yes, but the walk up and back had to be figured in the 20 min, so I started going 20 min before mealtime and playing until the food lines were almost empty. I could play for close to a half hour that way! My family brought me music when they visited that weekend. I had a couple advanced lesson books from childhood, a Mozart book, and a book of hymns arranged by Lorie Line. The residents complimented me and said how much they enjoyed it. The dining hall staff did too.  One day while playing before my lodge arrived for lunch, a resident from another lodge came over to our side of the dining hall.  I asked if she wanted me to quit. She said, “Oh no! I just wanted to tell you that since you started playing, we’ve had fewer incidents of panic attacks and flashbacks while we’re eating.” It felt great to see that I could use my God-given talents to make a difference.

(New song posted – God, My Rock)

First things first…a million thanks to Duane and the kids for taking care of everything back in Minnesota. I could never have done this without the support of each one of them. Special thanks to Adrian and Allison for pitching in as “mom” over the summer – kid care, housework, cooking, taxi service, and on and on. Thank you to everyone who prayed for them and for me, for the mail you sent, and your encouraging words.

When I sent the update email that I was coming home, many of you responded saying you’d be interested in knowing what I learned while at Timberline Knolls Treatment Center.  As I realized it would be time consuming and redundant to answer all the emails, I started thinking about writing a blog. This way I could share my experiences and explain the skills I learned to all of you at once. The more I thought and prayed about the idea, the more it seemed the right thing to do. Coming to Timberline was definitely God’s will, a positive experience, and I believe in God’s timing. I had been in counseling for depression for a few years, making progress until I hit a road block earlier this year. I would learn things in counseling but not be able to access what I learned when I was at home and most in need of those tools; my brain was compartmentalizing what I learned, tucking it away out of reach. My counselor recommended the treatment center as a way to keep my brain immersed in the mood regulation tools and distress tolerance skills that I’d been trying to use. I didn’t realize until after I’d been at TK awhile that there was also benefit in the “milieu experience.” More on that later.

I want to acknowledge all the hard work of those at ACCFS. I felt Christ’s love radiate from each of the staff I came in contact there and appreciate how much guidance and encouragement I received through them. I know there was a lot of work and coordination going on in the background while I was getting ready to go to Timberline (TK), while I was there, and then again when I came home from TK.

I also want to acknowledge the hard work of the TK staff. Our lodge had three shifts of five BHSs (Behavioral Health Specialists) each, two RNs for each of two 12-hour shifts, janitorial staff that worked around the clock, counselors/therapists seeing each resident twice a week, as well as medical doctors and psychiatrists that came in a couple times a week. Outside the lodge there was dining hall and laundry staff, administrative staff, group instructors, transportation staff, and groundskeepers. Everyone does their job and the place runs smoothly! There are times it doesn’t quite happen that way, but we’re all human and make mistakes. Looking back, it’s interesting to see how those mistakes fade with time. It’s remarkable to see how it all works together!

Arriving at the treatment center was overwhelming and a little frightening. There’s no way to know what to expect. It took about three days to become comfortable with the schedule, learn names of residents and staff, and feel settled in in my room. Our lodge housed about 35 residents, who came for a variety of reasons, including depression, anxiety, trauma, addiction, and eating disorders. I had two roommates with whom I shared an open bedroom and a bathroom. We were on a schedule seven days a week with Sat/Sun being slightly different due to visiting hours.

You may have noticed on the schedule that many areas of the lodge were locked or unlocked. This was done for protection. During the day there was a locked hall bathroom we could use, obviously by permission only! Another layer of protection was that residents were only allowed to leave the building with staff members until the resident earned their white hat by following the schedule, going to all group sessions, and showing they were responsible. Once a resident earned their white hat, they could leave the building for 20 min, mostly to go on walks.

The lodge residents were divided into three groups. Some of the sessions were with my group as everyone had those topics at some point in the week. Other group sessions were based on the reason for being there. There were a few throughout the week that were Christian based; these were in the admin building as residents came from all the adult lodges for those groups. Typically, 2-8 women would come from each lodge. These sessions were started with prayer and usually included music, scripture reading, and discussion. Morning Reflection and Mindful Intent were with my specific group each day. The first started with a short devotional, and then everyone shared five things – their goal for the day, how they were feeling at the moment, what they were struggling with, what skills they would use that day, and something they were grateful for. In the evening, we’d revisit that list, and everyone would share based on those five things – did they meet their goals, how were they feeling at the moment, what they were struggling with, how/what skills they used, and something they were grateful for that day. Most of the group sessions in between included each one sharing how they were feeling at the beginning and at the end. Imagine having to share how you feel a dozen times a day!!

The center part of the lodge is a gathering space called “the milieu”. In between sessions we would spend time there chatting, coloring, crocheting, making bracelets, etc. Some women had packs of 125 gel pens, multiple skeins of yarn, or bags of 100 colors of embroidery floss for bracelets. Everyone had a hobby, with those mentioned being the most popular! The support among the residents was phenomenal. We were all there because of struggles we couldn’t control, and we were all there for each other when that felt overwhelming. This support and acceptance contributes to the “milieu experience,” and builds everyone’s self-confidence. For me feeling the acceptance, and even admiration at times, was greatly healing. On the weekend after I arrived we had the opportunity to play volleyball. I’d only played a couple times since being on the team in high school, but it sounded fun and as a good way to get to know people. I only knew half of the names of those who went. We had a lot of fun! I surprised myself by how well I did. A couple of my teammates asked if I played on a league! That was a start of me seeing myself through the eyes of others and realizing God had given me talents to use in connecting with others. By the time I left I had been admired for knowing how to sew, joined in a Bible study, aced everyone at Dutch Blitz, thanked for my kindness in rewinding an entire skein of yarn, asked about my faith, inspired others to pray, entertained the others by playing the piano, and contributed to the teaching in a couple groups. In one of the groups in the step-down program (Partial Hospitalization Program/PHP) we were asked to make an art project about the difference between who we were coming in and who we are now. We could paint, draw, collage, journal, etc. At the end of group we were encouraged to share what we made and why.

Here’s my project…

TRANSFORMATION

I came here thinking I had nothing to offer
I’d never affect anyone else
But after living at TK in Maple Lodge
I started learning to accept myself

I recognize that I have weaknesses
Things about me I need to shift
But I’ve also spent time soaking in
Other’s recognition of my gifts

I’ve seen my faith inspire others
And my compassion cheer them up
I’ve come to more fully understand
I truly am reflecting God’s love

While I work to change faults that annoy
I’ll turn my mind to accept ME as ME
Use my talents, share my faith,
Forgive all, live in peace
And set myself FREE

Just one more tidbit, a funny story about my hearing aids…Because I need to take my hearing aids out to charge their batteries overnight, I have an alarm clock that shakes the bed. One of the first times it went off it shook not only my bed, but the bed on the other side of the wall. It just so happens the resident on the other side of the wall also has hearing aids! She has a bed shaker too but had left it at home. That day she woke up disoriented thinking she was back in her own bed! She’d had her hearing aids since she was a baby and was now shortly out of high school; we ended up laughing about it at breakfast. The first morning I was there I was supposed to have blood drawn for labs and didn’t know it. A BHS tried to wake me, but because staff are restricted from touching the residents, she couldn’t get my attention. My roommate told her I couldn’t hear. To avoid that in the future, I made a sign for my door (room 505, bed 3). This generated a few comments!